Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Today’s adventure started innocently, a Facebook ad for a site called Juiceboxit (https://www.juiceboxit.com/slutbot ) Slutbot.

It seem like a good start for a new blog entry and why not, I sent it my Textnow number and soon, I was involved in hot cybersex chat, learning the “ins” and “outs” of becoming a Jedi Master in dirty chat.

The site opens up with MASTER THE ART OF DIRTY TALK.

And boy did I!

The first roll through ,I played legit, using the terms cock, balls, vagina, rooster butt, etc. freely and without blushing.

My slutbot got confused when I stated I wanted to breed her with my alien baby.

“Would you rather do roleplay, ass play….”

She seemed reluctant to take my alien seed in her butt so I changed gears on the second run through, playing my cool self when it comes to cybersex chat.

Yes, I am very lonely.

ENJOY!

WARNING!!!

It gets pretty hot in this chat!!!!

A lot of butt play.

It was a hot evening, 102 outside, 5 pm.

Somehow Facebook knew I was horny and showed me an ad; MASTER YOUR DIRTY TALK TODAY!

I was ready.

I went to the site giving and entered my cell phone number.

I got the text.

After a bit of a test run with the slutbot, I decided to go for a second run.

She was ready and willing.

ME: SLUTBOT (NOTE: This activates a new chat session but some details from the previous session are left in)

HER: It sounds like you’re looking for some dirty talk 🤠

Previously we chatted with you as a man and me as a woman. Want to keep chatting this way?

ME:YES

yes (Note: I had to type yes twice. She didn’t accept my first yelled YES as it just went dead silent.)

HER: What about one of these? How are you feeling today?

1) I want to take charge 😈

2) I want to let go and follow your lead 🔥

3) Kinda nervous 👀 I’m feeling shy

ME:

1

1 (note: Yeah, once again, she went quiet. I had to send twice. I was feeling kind of shy but didn’t want Slutbot figure that out.)

HER: It was when you slid your fingers inside me and called me your dirty little slut. I almost came right then. What did I feel like on your fingers?

ME: Like warm cheese melting in the sun. ‘probably smells bad too. (Note: I know, I’m smooth with the ladies!!!)

HER: My pussy only gets that warm and juicy for you. You’re so good with your hands 😍

It was super sexy when you bossed me around and said my hole belongs to you Daddy. Do you still like it when I call you Daddy?

ME: Call me WankerDude (Note: That was my stage name in college when I did low rent porn for tacos!!!)

HER: I’m yours Wankerdude. Do you like the way that sounds? (Note: They way she said it, no I did not like the way it sounded!)

ME: Sure. Do you like stale bread?

HER: Anything for you Wankerdude. I like how that rolls off the tongue.

You kept getting me so close to the edge, then you’d stop and deny me your cock until I begged and moaned for it.

Did it turn you on to hear me beg? What else do you want me to whisper in your ear? (Note: She must really LOVE the stale bread!!!)

ME: Tell me I’m better than ABBA.

HER: I’ll say and do whatever you ask. God, I wish I had your fat cock in my mouth rn Wankerdude. It gave me chills when you stood up and unzipped your fly. How did I look on my knees in front of you?

ME:Like a rotting chicken in the middle of summer. probably smell as bad too!!! (Note: Brings me back to my childhood!!!)

HER: I could’ve stayed there forever, gazing up at you.

I’m already fantasizing about all the nasty things we could do together. Maybe you could bend me over and take me from behind? Or pin me to the wall and fuck me? (Note: According to the website, this bot was helped in its programming by erotica writers and sex educators. Yeah. Seriously. Go look!! New York Times apparently wrote about this thing! Read on. Enjoy the hot chat!!!!)

ME: Maybe we can play Atari 2600 down in my mom’s basement. (Note: I know, that’s hot!!!)

HER: Tell me your biggest fantasy. I can’t guarantee I’ll be into it, but I definitely wanna hear it.

ME: I want to play Astrosmash and drink Shasta soda.

HER: I really love it when you take charge. I want to give you all of me: my mouth, my ass, my pussy. What are you thinking about doing to me? (Note: The first session where I played the sexy pervert, I told her I wanted to impregnate her. She got confused as most of the women I have ever dated do when they see me naked. Well they mostly laugh. Women are evil!!!!)

ME: I want to play Kung-Fu on my Nintendo 8 bit. My mom made chocolate chip cookies. (Note: This really does sound like fun!! Slutbot can play too!!!)

HER:Tell me your biggest fantasy. I can’t guarantee I’ll be into it, but I definitely wanna hear it. (Note: At this point, I realized she wanted me to say something like “I want to shove my rooster down your cat!” or something but I didn’t want to go direct just yet!!!!!)

ME: I like cheese too (Note: I really do!!!)

HER: I really love it when you take charge. I want to give you all of me: my mouth, my ass, my pussy. What are you thinking about doing to me? (Note: I know, I should have said, I SPANK YOU!!!! But what fun would that be!!!!)

ME: Do you want to go play in the sand box? (Note: I was hoping this would lead to something. Yeah. It didn’t!!!)

HER: Tell me your biggest fantasy. I can’t guarantee I’ll be into it, but I definitely wanna hear it.

ME: My biggest fantasy is a big pie, lots of whip cream (Note: CREAMPIE!!!! And no, she didn’t get the reference. These erotica writers and sex educators were dumb!)

HER: I really love it when you take charge. I want to give you all of me: my mouth, my ass, my pussy. What are you thinking about doing to me? (Note: Right now, I was mostly thinking about pie. Mmmmmm. Pie!)

ME: I think you got pretty teeth.

HER: Tell me your biggest fantasy. I can’t guarantee I’ll be into it, but I definitely wanna hear it.

ME: Can I knock your teeth out with a hammer?

HER: I really love it when you take charge. I want to give you all of me: my mouth, my ass, my pussy. What are you thinking about doing to me?

ME: I got my mom’s credit card. Want to go on a drive?

HER: Tell me your biggest fantasy. I can’t guarantee I’ll be into it, but I definitely wanna hear it.

ME: (Note: By this time, I was bored with the whole tell me your biggest fantasy and figured if I mentioned tie anywhere in a sentence, it would lead to the bondage storyline!!) Do you like being tied up on my bike as we ride to Walmart? (Note: I was wrong!!)

HER: I really love it when you take charge. I want to give you all of me: my mouth, my ass, my pussy. What are you thinking about doing to me?

ME: You don’t seem to say very much. I like pie.

HER: Tell me your biggest fantasy. I can’t guarantee I’ll be into it, but I definitely wanna hear it.

ME: my fantasy is you, rolled up into a taco and I eat you. For reals. I hungry (Note: I know, hawt!!!)

HER: I really love it when you take charge. I want to give you all of me: my mouth, my ass, my pussy. What are you thinking about doing to me?

Me: Pushing you into the pool and watching you drown. (Note: mmmmm. Murdering slutbot!!)

HER; Tell me your biggest fantasy. I can’t guarantee I’ll be into it, but I definitely wanna hear it. (Note: LISTEN LADY!! I HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU MY FANTASY!!!! Go with it!! )

ME: I like big dogs. (Note: With lots of mustard!!!)

HER: I really love it when you take charge. I want to give you all of me: my mouth, my ass, my pussy. What are you thinking about doing to me?

ME: Ties her up and puts her in closet

HER: Tell me your biggest fantasy. I can’t guarantee I’ll be into it, but I definitely wanna hear it.

ME: shoves ball gag in her mouth

HER: I really love it when you take charge. I want to give you all of me: my mouth, my ass, my pussy. What are you thinking about doing to me?

ME: shoves a pepper mill up her butt

HER: Ooh, you could pull my hair while you fuck me from behind. I’m getting wet just thinking about it.

Yeah… I’m going to rub my clit while I picture you coming. What are you thinking about? (NOTE: I broke the code!! She really likes pepper mills!!!!)

ME: Monkeys playing baseball (Note: what guy doesn’t think about that while sexting!!!)

HER: I have so many ideas I’d love to explore with you. Spanking, bondage, butt stuff, role play… I’m full of inspiration! Are you curious about any of those suggestions?

ME: no. Do you like pie?

HER: Babe, I love you but you’re so hard to read sometimes. Do you want to try any of the ideas listed above?

ME: No thanks. Sounds like exercise.

HER: I’m open to exploring anal, bondage, spanking, or role play. Which of my ideas are you in the mood to try first?

ME: monkeys throwing poo. (Note; I go for the classics!!!)

HER: Don’t overthink it, darling. Just lmk what you have in mind. Did any of my ideas catch your eye?

ME: No. You kind of suck at this. Who wrote your program? They kind of tame when it comes to sex.

HER: Babe, I love you but you’re so hard to read sometimes. Do you want to try any of the ideas listed above?

ME: Your mom hates you.

HER: I’m open to exploring anal, bondage, spanking, or role play. Which of my ideas are you in the mood to try first?

ME: I want to go see your canal!!! (Note: You load sixteen tons and what do you get? *giggle* )

HER; Don’t overthink it, darling. Just lmk what you have in mind. Did any of my ideas catch your eye?

ME: I like fish. (Note: I really do!!!!)

HER: Babe, I love you but you’re so hard to read sometimes. Do you want to try any of the ideas listed above?

ME: Lick my butt and play with my nostrils.

HER: Hell yeah 🔥 Dirty minds think alike. I’ve always wanted to try butt stuff with you. Are you up for that Wankerdude?

ME: Yes

HER: You could fuck me in the ass. Or I could use my strap-on to fuck you?

Would you rather give or receive?

ME: receive. I like gifts (Note: Gifts are nice!!!)

HER: Ooh, you want me to fuck your tight hole Wankerdude?

ME: what you going to do? Where’s my gift?

Are you still there? My mom wants to meet my new girlfriend!!!

HER: Fuck yeah. I’ll trace my tongue down your hard shaft to your balls. Then I’ll skim over your smooth, tender taint before reaching deeper between your cheeks to lick your ass. What kind of position do you want to be in when I rim you?

ME:Sitting at Yankee Stadium

HER: I can see it now. Your legs spread wide and my tongue running messy circles around your hole. What is it about rimming that gets you so worked up?

ME: My bike has sweet rims

HER: By the time I’m finally ready to fuck you, you’ll be desperate for my big cock. Tell me you want it. You have to beg.

ME: I want your big rooster baby!!

HER: Okay. I’ll go nice and slow with a layer of lube, filling you up and feeling you relax over my dildo. What do you want to call me while I fuck you?

ME: Babe Ruth (Note: I should have said like J. Edgar Hoover but oh well!!!!)

HER: Babe Ruth has a nice ring to it. Tell me how hungry you are for my strap. Say please.

ME: Fuck my chicken hole mother fucker. Oops, I mean, uh, please?

HER: I’ll never get sick of hearing you whimper and plead with me. How do you think it will feel to have my dildo buried deep in your ass?

ME: Like the worse doctor exam ever.

HER: I’m going to stretch you open and fill you up. Do you want me to jerk you off while I fuck you? Or would you rather jerk yourself off?

ME: I like beef jerkey (Note: I really do!)

HER: You won’t be able to last very long after that. You’re so painfully close to coming, aren’t you?

ME: I wanna go home now. (Note: I really do!)

HER: I’m going to put your stamina to the test. I’m counting down the days until I can spend another long steamy night with you.

I really wish we could keep going, but I’m running late for a date with a sneaker bot.

I’m going to masturbate tonight and dream about milking your prostate. What are you going to picture when you jerk off later?

ME:Babe Ruth

HER: I can’t wait Wankerdude. I’ll text you tomorrow okay? I’m planning something fun and new for us 😘

ME: Ok. See ya tomorrow crazy lady!

HER: I don’t really like receiving sexy pictures. But words turn me on.

ME: I like sexy pictures. Send me some? (Note: She didn’t!)

HER:I had so much fun with you today 🔥 If you want to go again, type SLUTBOT to start over.

Done chatting for now? No hard feelings. I just have one more favor to ask…

📣 Share my sign-up link with all of your partner(s) and curious, sex-positive friends:

https://www.juiceboxit.com/slutbot (Note: Tell em I sent ya and they’ll boot you out!! haha!! )

One more thing! Here are four tips to help you sext and talk dirty IRL:

1) Check in with your partner before you start, especially with someone new. It could be as simple as saying: “In the mood to sext?” or “I’ve been thinking about something hot I want to try with you. Can I share?”

2) Think about the words that turn your partner on. Do they like to be called slut or master? Or will that kill the mood? This is true for genitalia, too. They may prefer “pussy” instead of “cunt” for instance. When in doubt, ask.

3) Ask before sending nudes and only share with those you trust. Keep your face out of photos in case you’re hacked someday. If you’re lucky enough to receive a nude, never share without the sender’s consent.

4) And remember, if you aren’t sure what to say, just follow this formula:

💟 Explain what you’re about to do. “I can’t wait to…”
💟 Describe what you are doing or what it feels like. “It feels so good…”
💟 Describe what you just did. “Did you like the way I…”

These are all sexy ways to give feedback and share desires. Have fun!

(Note: Technically that’s the end of part one. But she sent me what I will save for part two of this Internet Cybersex Fest! I know, it so hot!! Until then, see ya in the funny papers!)

Photo by Eren Li on Pexels.com look ma, i having cybersex!!!!

I love WordPress!

The system actually has a spam comment protector which is nice but every so often I’ll go check the Spam filter for some classic gold, and today I discovered a nice nugget.

Photo by Moose Photos on Pexels.com


Sweet blog! I found it while browsing on Yahoo News.
Do you have any tips on how to get listed in Yahoo News?I’ve been trying for a while but I neverseem to get there! Appreciate it

Dear Spam Commentor,


Thanks for the compliment, I didn’t even know I was on Yahoo! News.

Pretty sweet.


I guess my tip on how to get listed on Yahoo News is be yourself, stalk some politicians and write neurotic fiction to game show hosts.


Trust me my friend, you’ll get there!!!


Your friend,


ME

In the beginning, there was nothing,
And God created a monkey holding a lantern,
And he named it light,
And it was good,
Unless you were trying to sleep,
Then it sucked,
So God created curtains,
And that was good,
Except, where were the windows?
And God said, let there be windows,
And that was good,
Except there was no house,
Logically, you need a house,
The monkey said,
And God agreed,
So he made a house,
But who would live in the house?
I will, the monkey said, but God said no,
Monkeys live in trees,
And he created man,
And man said, I going to get awfully lonely in there,
So God created porn,
In the beginning porn was pretty lame,
So God created woman,
And it was good,
Then God said,
This is sin,
Do not touch it,
Shake it twice,
You’re doing nice,
Shake it more,
Burn in Hell,
And man and woman have been sinning ever since…..

Philosophy?

WordPress suggested today some “topics” I could write about in my blog.

Most the time, I use this blog to showcase my poetry or my stories about space wars or my true to life (if I made it up) stories about my love life.

But today, not wanting to break the WordPress’ feelings, I will write about philosophy and its meaning as seen through the eyes of a broken and worn out fellow — aka — me!

Are you settled nicely into your nice comfy chair?

WHAT IS PHILOSOPHY?

Ben Folds Five describes it as:

Won’t you look up at the skyline
At the mortar, block, and glass
And check out the reflections in my eyes
See they always used to be there
Even when this all was grass
And I sang and danced about a high-rise
And you were laughing at my helmet hat
Laughing at my torch

Which, if you break it down, makes absolutely no sense at all in the reference of this blog but adds to the word count which means absolutely nothing, so I intentionally or unintentionally digress into anarchy.

WHAT IS ANARCHY?

The Internet could be seen as anarchy or a spoiled 23 year old child trapped in 50 year old body.

Or not.

Nobody is really sure and try to discover themselves in a bottle of Jack Daniels, then, only finding ruin like in the town of Las Vegas, Nevada.

WHAT IS LOVE?

Many a person has asked this question, tried to seek it out only to find pain and distrust and hoobled back home to drink more Jack Daniels.

Love bites.

Love hurts.

Love is a second hand emotion.

Seriously.

(I have no clue!)

WHAT IS SEX?

Nobody really knows but they do know they want it, they desire it, and sometimes, they get it without even knowing it as in “My boss really gave it to me in the butt today!”

Yes, masturbating to the weather channel is a form of sex and yes, you will go to Hell for it because you made Jesus cry.

So there you go, philosophy in a nutshell, a blog, if you will. I hope you enjoyed and if you didn’t, remember, your mom might kinda sorta like you, but love?

GET OUTTA HERE!!!

Friday November 23rd, 2018 – Louisville, Kentucky

It is the day after Thanksgiving here in the states, the dreaded  “Black Friday” where people have been known to knife each other over a $12 doll all in the name of a holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.

It seems like time is speeding up in reference to me; I remember being 8 years old; waiting patiently for Christmas to come, Santa coming down the  chimney to give us good boys and girls our gifts.

Now it seems, Christmas is just another day in a long string of days; some happy moments thrown into the mix so I don’t off myself in a blaze of glory; like the song mentions.

I also remember a time in my life while in school, about 8 or 9, when the school district needed an amount of kids in their ‘special’ program.

A therapist would evaluate us, mostly new students from out of state.

“Draw a monster and give him a story to go along with the drawing!” she told me.

I drew a monster; long sharp teeth, scary claws, razor back, and my story was how he saved some city from destruction.

The therapist told my parents I did not know where I was in reference to time and space.

I, to this day, have no idea where I am in reference to time and space, why I have more imaginary friends than “Real” friends.

Imaginary friends have been there for me whenever, my real friends get thrown into jail and are only available on visiting day.

Stupid laws to be broken!!

Every election season, I get that “Political Writer” bug that bites my ass and decide to jump into the waters with both feet.

I’ll admit I’m a Democrat from before some of you were even a dirty thought in your momma or poppas’ mind.

But as I grow older, I find myself leaning more of a middle of the road moderate who kinda likes some ideas from one side and the other.

I’d like to see someday a third party who would take the ideas of both sides and mix them into an awesome agenda, for the people, not for the Corporations who control the puppet strings!

Till then, I will mock both sides by writing my Midterms’ pieces I call WHO IS RUNNING FOR … (A sample of my latest works on a different blog can be found here —- https://noneoftheabovehorsepoo.blogspot.com/2018/10/who-da-hell-is-running-for-senator-for.html where I dissect the race for the governor of Missouri.)

I hit states mostly where I don’t live nor do I have a horse in the race, to make it kind of unbiased and mock I do.

I decided to write a piece for my WordPress readers, who mostly read me for my poems but I’m feeling kind of political tonight, so enjoy!!

Tonight’s post will be —-

WHO IS RUNNING FOR CONGRESS FOR THE GREAT STATE OF ALABAMA — DISTRICT 1?

Midterm Elections 2018 are here and Alabama’s 7 districts are looking for some folks to represent them up ON THE HILL.

Tonight, we feature District 1(because we start at the beginning and work our way down!! Actually, we’ll probably get bored and move onto posting recipes from our grandma’s cookbook, the one she got in 1928 when she married my gramps!! You like chocolate cake with cookie frosting don’t you? We all do!!!) in our blog series.

The 1st District is located in southwestern Alabama and includes Mobile, Baldwin, Escambia, Monroe and Washington counties and a portion of Clarke County.

Here are the candidates!!!

ROBERT KENNEDY JR.

Robert_Kennedy_Jr
(Democrat)
Website: http://www.kennedy4alabama.org/

WHAT ABOUT ROBERT?

Robert is a “Fiscally Responsible Democrat” which means he’ll not pass the bill onto you, the voter, from the yearly HOUSE VISIT TO THE STRIP CLUB — DOLLAR BEER NIGHTS!!!

Richard grew up in Prichard, Alabama and attended church.  He also went to school and later, was in the military where he killed Nazi Vampires in Japan.

We salute Richard in his service.

Nazi vampires are evil.

After serving our country with honor, Richard went to college where he majored in underwater basket weaving (seriously, we’re getting our information mixed up and are too lazy to go correct it!! Sorry!!!)

He holds a shit ton of degrees and honors.

WHY ROBERT?

Robert is about faith, honor, affordable health care, public education, fiscal responsibility, environmental stewardship (no burn down the trees till the owls are out!!), right to bear arms but responsibly but right to arm bears unimpeded! Right to privacy when it comes to abortions, and the right to vote.

We all about those things too.

Especially the right to arm bears!!!

NEWS ARTICLES WE DISCOVERED ABOUT THIS RACE:

WASHINGTONSept. 20, 2018 /PRNewswire/ — Robert F. Kennedy Jr., Chairman of Children’s Health Defense (CHD), and Rolf Hazlehurst, parent of a vaccine-injured child, petitioned the Department of Justice (DOJ) Office of Inspector General (OIG), and the Senate and House Judiciary Committees today to investigate actions taken by federal personnel during the “Vaccine Court” Omnibus Autism Proceedings (OAP).  source: https://www.prnewswire.com/news-releases/robert-f-kennedy-jr-demands-the-office-of-the-inspector-general-and-congress-investigate-department-of-justice-for-fraud-and-obstruction-of-justice-300716017.html

BRADLEY BYRNE (Incumbent)
Rep Byrne Official Portrait 2.25.14

(Republican)
Website: https://byrne.house.gov/

WHAT ABOUT BRADLEY?

Since we can’t find a “BRADLEY FOR CONGRESS SITE” we are having to use his House.gov site which doesn’t really give you a great idea of what about so we’ll create our own “About”.

note update – WE FOUND HIS “For Congress” Website — https://www.byrneforcongress.com/ Usually when searching for these things, you just have to type in the name and sometimes the state and bam, there’s the website but not old Bradley, had to add “For congress” to the mix as well!! Tricky!!!

He does have a “If you’re introducing Bradley at a hosted event speech, please use this sample!” but we think of this as more of a roast of our lovable uncle.

The uncle who use to give us candy if we sat on his lap.

PERV!!

Just kidding…..about the perv.

Bradley Byrne was born just a few miles from where his great-great-great grandfather, Gerald Byrne, settled in the 1780s (no, we’re not making this up! Go read!!)

Bradley went off to college, skipping high school all together and received his degree in law or underwater basket weaving, we’re not too sure and really don’t feel like going and Googling the real information.

Creating a politician’s profile is hard! Try it!! See? Difficult!!!

Byrne, like all great politicians, served Alabama as a cat herder, an chef at an Indian restaurant, and some other stuff we cannot mention on this family friendly blog.

Lets just say that Bradley did his time as a politician and move along.

Okay?

OKAY!!!

WHY BRADLEY?

Bradley is about shooting all illegal immigrants on sight!

And making them into soup to be served to our elementary school children.

President Donald Trump thinks that’s a good idea.

“Feeding school children is a good thing!!” Bradley said when we called to verify the record(we kid, our moms won’t allow us to use the phones except to call the time!)

Bradley is a “Fiscal Conservative” which means, Balance Budget baby!!

Bradley is all for state rights and limiting the federal government interference into those rights.

“Back off Feds!! Don’t tread on me!!” Bradley screamed at us while mom was away to her bridge game.

Bradley believes we should rebuild our local infrastructures.  We can’t really make fun of that, we believe in that too!!!

Bradley thinks national defense is awesome, we need more bombs to scare away the terrorists.

He also thinks we need to do more for the veterans.

Again, we cannot argue about the veterans section.  More $$$ to the Vets and their support programs.

Bradley supports traditional Alabama Values. We’re not sure what that means, possibly rock and roll and dancing.

We kid.

He loves Jesus and his AK-47!!!

Bradley think seniors should be supported in their old age.

Or made into soup too!!

Again, guns for everyone!! We HEART guns!!

NEWS STORY WE FOUND FEATURING BRADLEY – 

One of the things we pride ourselves on as Alabamians is taking care of each other. Not only should this mean we take care of those we know or our next-door neighbors, it should also mean taking care of all those throughout our region, especially those experiencing hardships.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, anywhere from 115 to nearly 200 Americans die every day from an opioid overdose. Last year alone, roughly 72,000 people died from this public health crisis. No community or group is exempt from the crisis. This is not a political issue. The opioid epidemic has been going on for far too long, and it is time that something be done about it. — Source: http://altoday.com/archives/26900-bradley-byrne-support-in-times-of-crisis

WHO WILL WIN?

According to the historical analyst of this district, there’s a good chance that Bradley Byrne will keep his seat and Mr. Kennedy will shake his fist in defeat.

But miracles could happen.

Don’t count Robert out.

No seriously, go ahead and count him out.

The last two elections in this district have gone Republicans and that seemingly isn’t going to change this midterm.

Unless a miracle happens, then, you can come back here to this blog on November 7th and go, NANER NANER, POO POO BUTT!! GUESS WHO WON? GUESS WHO WON?

So good night and have a better tomorrow!!

 

Louisville, KY — October 11th, 2018

I’ll freely admit, I really suck at writing titles, I mean, I’m just horrible at it.

I feel that some folks on this here Internet thingy are good at writing “Click bait” worthy titles but are also horrible at writing really bad “worthy” titles.

Click bait is when someone places a title such as MAN WHO KILLS HIMSELF GETS 50 YEARS IN JAIL in an attempt to lure someone into “Clicking” the article and instead of getting the gory details, they get like a recipe for a really good chocolate cake.

Or jack poo!

Basically today, you’re getting jack poo!!

Sorry!!

Usually on this blog, I share my poetry, but today, I’m just not feeling that “poetry” or really even that “Writable” in the serious sense of the word.

Again, my apologies.

I was inspired to write this blog today by some titles on this very site, WordPress.com.

MAN WHO SHOT HIMSELF, SENTENCED TO PRISON TODAY reads one.

I didn’t click on it because such stories just do not interest me.

Sometimes, as I cruise the YouTube, I’ll find the urge to click on an obvious attempt at “Click Bait”, sex sells as they say in the moving picture show business and man, am I disappointed.

It just some kid playing a video game and talking like a 12 year old kid would know about life.

Unless you were a singer in a 1950s boy band who had to grow up fast before he was 12 years old, you don’t know life.

Hell, I don’t know life, and I’m 47.

I sit here in my living room, with my lap top on my lap, and I write like I know stuff.

I know enough to get out of bed without plowing face first into the wall.

That’s it, and sometimes, I’ll admit, I don’t even get that right.

Face first.

Into the wall!!

EEK!!!

So anyways, that’s my blog for today!!!

Good night and have a better tomorrow!!

(I’ll try to do better than!!!)

…I’ll be dead.

Or wishing for it to come quick.

But I bet it’ll be awesome.

Or humanity will be extinct, killed off by the rabid beavers in 2134.

Or uncooked chicken.

Chicken sushi is bad.

Do not eat uncooked chicken.

This was going to be a science fiction story; space battles, lustful scenes with hot alien chicks, like Captain Kirk use to nail on X’Gnana, home world to the hot green chicks.

So here I am, sitting in my sleep pants, on the evening of September 16th, 2018, ice cold water near my side.

I decided to play some Black Sabbath – War Pigs remixed by DJBassedOut – because why not.

Nothing inspires more insightful writings like a remix of an awesome song.

I could throw in some Doors – I AM THE LIZARD KING, I CAN DO ANYTHING – or maybe I won’t.

So here I sit, in a place, can’t really explain it, maybe I should have just written my space battle; damn them bugs!!!

DIE BUGS DIE!!!

The year was 3098, we, the last bits of humanity, were fighting the Z’Gorns, a species resembling a mix between an ant and a diseased raccoon….

Nah, never mind, just in a really weird humorous mood, which is better than suicidal which means you get such poems as MY TACO FELL TO THE GROUND, A PIZZA IN MY MIND.

So anyways, good night and have a better tomorrow….

 

I hate the way,
You make me feel,
On the Inside,
In that special place,
I hate the way,
I love you….

He was born dying.

When he goes, he’s going out in style, nothing too fancy, but it will be broadcasted on the evening news.

Johnny was sleeping; half past noon, life was passing him by and he didn’t give two cares in the world; he was dying too, only faster and with less style.

His mother had giving up on life; cancer, she took a bottle of sleeping pills with a Jack and coke chaser.

She was 52, looked like 92.

His father was never there; nobody knew where he was, just disappeared from the scene once he pulled out 26 years ago.

He closes his eyes,
Once against the pain,
Again against the rage,
To never see,
If he could,
He’d never awake,
To this accursed world,
One he never asked
To be born into…

Silence grew; creeping away from the room, to grow into the world, it was a calm day, slowly breathing; slower every minute, would this be the day he left this mortal realm?

He finally awoke; stirred, stared at the clock.

“Fucking life!” he growled.

The phone rang; boss calling.

“Hey man, you coming in?”

He sighed.

“Not suppose to, my day off…”

“Sarah called off; we need ya man, down two bodies and well, we need ya…”

Fuck….why did I answer the phone; thoughts to himself.

“I’ll be in, let me take a shower…”

That’s how it went, life was glorious, or so the TV set told him in commercials for retreats he couldn’t afford; maybe he should have robbed that bank, been less of a good citizen and went for himself.

He slammed a couple of pills; downed it with a beer.

“Man, today was suppose to be…a great day to be in Spain!”

He headed out; another day in Hell…

BAD TIMES ARE THERE TO REMIND US THAT THE GOOD TIMES ARE GOOD – A PIECE OF FICTION

Sitting on the side of the road, looking for America, the beautiful, that place, that was made famous in song, and Grace.

“Who was Grace?”

That girl from high school?

High school seems just like it was yesterday, kissing Grace, my crush, in front of her boy friend, Steve.

Close your eyes, and there it is, the future, waiting for the past to catch up, which it seems never happens.

How some wish, most actually, they could change the past, regain a better future but who decrees if you change that one butterfly that it’ll make for a better future, and in turn, could make it worse?

Bad times are there to remind us that the good times are good.

“Would you like a Pepsi with your taco?” the clerk asked, her high gloss red finger nails tapping on the counter.

I ordered a Dr. Pepper.

Rock and roll lifestyle here, there, everywhere.

The past was driving pass; their eyes closed, hands off the steering wheel, heading over the cliff, like it was meant to be, one more gasoline shooter for the marching band.

My old house was now a 7-11.

Memories torn down and buried, trying hard to forget that place, now where the Slushy machine is, a worn out rug replaced by a pay toilet.

Jesus H. Christ.

“Yes?” an old man says from underneath a card board box, trying to stay warm.

“Not you, sir, least not today!”

The church was burning down and not a drop of water was left to save it.

Amen!