I don’t like to write about myself, as in the first person, reality sets, non-fiction crap that goes straight on viral in the topics of depression, masturbation, or medical science as a cop out for why I’m insane.
Nope, I don’t usually write about my addiction to porn as that might go viral, I’d go famous, be invited to talk shows, talking head doctors on the boob tube asking me questions like, “Why my friend do you like to self-abuse yourself?”
Cause it feels so good when I stop.
We’d all laugh but deep down, we’d know it was the truth.
Tonight, I can’t sleep.
I wrote another piece on another site – found here – LETTERS TO THE DARK – FICTION
I write sometimes just to get stuff out of my brain, an escape, stuff to drop from behind the happy mask I wear, even in front of my lovers and friends.
I sitting here at 1:40 in the morning, writing, just stuff right now, off the top of my mind.
I did take a nap earlier which probably didn’t help but also my mind is racing, thinking, over thinking, over processing things, so I just decided to put the thoughts to words, and hopefully they make sense to whomever reads this or my other blog.
The night is a good time but also a bad time, a time to think, the time most of the “normal” people are in bed, sweetly dreaming, or in nightmares, and here I sit, listening to music, and writing, a third blog entry on two sites.
I think it is what keeps me from going on a long walk off a short pier. Few people in my life know the madness that is inside my brain.
Those few people have the same issues, one of the reasons we couldn’t move to lovers as we are too crazy.
Someone needs to be anchor to reality, someone has to be the one who screams, “Hit the brakes!!!” as we head towards the cliff!!
I really shouldn’t listen to death metal lost love songs on YouTube.
The ads on the videos are depression medications, the ones that cause thoughts of suicide or vision problems.
I think masturbation has the same side effect.
“You shouldn’t masturbate anyways, makes you lose your edge in madness!” I once had a girl tell me.
We were very close friends in high school.
We tried to kiss once and ended up falling off her bed.
There we were on the floor, she on top of me, laughing.
Her mom peeked in.
“What are you two doing?” she said.
“We were on the bed and fell off when we tried to kiss!” Sarah said, laughing the entire time.
Her mom laughed and shut the door.
“You want to do it, don’t you?” Sarah smiled at me, feeling the bulge in my pants.
I did.
She did.
We didn’t.
It would end up ruining our friendship.
We kissed for awhile, there on the floor, she guided my hand up her shirt, feel her.
But that’s as far as we went.
She told me later she had wished we had gone farther, to had me as her first, that day.
She ended up in a toxic relationship; an abusive prick.
We sat one day at a bar where we met up, to talk about the “Good old days”.
We ended up at a motel, a classy place, a hot tub next to the swimming pool.
It was nice, sitting there in the hot tub, next to each other, people who came in assumed we were a newly wedded couple preparing for a night of love making, hardcore sex, whatever.
We didn’t, again, but as we let the bubbles guide us into a place.
Again, we kissed, we made it back to her room, on the floor, making out on the bed as some movie played on the TV.
“Do you wanna?” Sarah winked.
How I did, even more than that day back years before, but we didn’t.
I left that room, hours later. The morning sun rising.
Is the above real?
Who knows, it could be, it could be my imaginary world.
I know most of you are like, “Sure, you didn’t have sex with her!!”
Anyways, welcome to my mind, come on in!
