Posts Tagged ‘depression’

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Death ain’t real
Till you’ve experienced the lost from it,
She was all I had,
Sitting at the bar this night,
Pour me a tall one,
I will tell you the tale,
Weep for you,
Me,
A fallen man,
From the grace of Heaven,
Expelled into Devil’s hand,
Took everything I had,
Took my sunshine,
And turned it into darkness,
Dashed me against the rocky shores,
Left me a broken man,
Deemed not fit to pass,
From these mortal bounds,
To wander,
Through those darkened lands,
That are my mind,
Do not cry,
Oh Lord,
You laughed,
And had your fill at my misery,
Devil,
Dare not care,
I am already in Hell,
Here,
Broken,
Inside my mind.

Close your eyes,
A memory,
A dream,
Is this fucking reality?
A twisted lie,
Ripped from those lies,
Seeping into stages,
Drowning in tears…

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Slices of life,
Poured out onto the blade,
Onto the plate,
Blow your mind,
With a bulletin to the brain,
Do not seek,
That answer,
From the needle bare,
Reach not into that darkest place,
Fear,
Lie back,
Live,
Oh Master of this show,
Rolling down the track,
Explode!

Tearing,
My life,
Flesh from that bone,
Thrown to wild dogs,
Gnarling,
Growling,
Fierce beasts,
Plundering the mind.

Can’t sleep,
My bed is one fire,
The house is aflame,
Jesus saves,
Blade there in my hand,
Time to play.

Nuclear bombs,
Falling from the air,
Trying to run away,
Mission control,
We ain’t got no time to play,
Sitting alone,
Waiting for a plane,
Living on borrowed time,
The leeches in my brain,
Draining me,
Of civil thought.

Fuck off!
Oh marry me!

Society,
Oh dear society,
What a dreadful whore you have become,
Why don’t you die?
Come away,
Fly with me.

Violent tendencies,
Towards sex,
Anarchy,
Somewhere USA,
In your Chevrolet.

Missionary,
On a bed of nails,
Ripped to pieces,
Torn to bits,
Dare not scream,
Or they will hear you.

Fate.

Burning brightly,
That flash of a moment,
Reaching out,
Falling out of control,
Into space,
Screaming,
They see you,
But dare not see you,
As then,
Acknowledgement,
You are a failure,
To that American,
DREAM!!

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To dance,
In that sweet sorrow,
Bathed in Heaven’s light.

To remember,
That sweet embrace,
As if in a living dream,
To never awake,
From that sweet embrace of a loving dream.

To kiss,
Those sweet lips,
One last time,
Before my final breathe.

I want to know,
Where she is,
My sweet love,
Taken before me,
I wish I could see her,
Once again.

The lord,
Took her away from me,
How I miss her,
More than my life is worth,
I know I shall see her again,
Someday,
To feel,
That sweet embrace,
One more time.

You left me,
Lonely,
Soulless and afraid,
My heart ripped out,
Buried in that grave,
And I fell apart,
Into misery,
A broken heart,
Lives apart.

There upon the floor,
I fell down,
Upon my knees,
My tears a river,
Flowing to the sea.

Heaven is just a word,
To clear that misery,
Heaven is just Hell reversed.
Smoke drifting up,
From a midnight cigarette,
Smoked at 3 AM.


I don’t make promises,
I cannot keep,
I do not break the promises,
I made to you,
That night,
That life,
A thousand years ago,
It seems,
A different life indeed.

Here I am,
Trying to live my life,
To keep that promise that I made to you,
To keep on living,
To live,
To watch the stars,
A midnight sky,
A shooting star,
Making a wish that you were still here,
To see you one more time,
That the day would last forever,
One last kiss,
Under that sky,
Here I am,
Wishing on shooting stars.

Many moons ago, I wrote a poem called “Johnny’s Dream” (A version can be found here —- https://missiontargetwndrlust.wordpress.com/2019/04/17/johnnys-dream-an-overdose-suicide-release/ ).

The character of Johnny has been in my head for probably more years before I wrote him to paper, or computer screen, the original poem has been lost, I posted it to poetry.com which went under and the notebook it was written in was lost a thousand moves ago.

Some people took the poetry as a cry that I was Johnny, ready to off myself in some locked dingy bathroom but really, when I wrote the poem, I was in a beyond happy place, beginning my life with my soul mate, my wife back in 1998.

She passed away on December 19th, 2012.

A lot of my poetry, as most of you will note, is very dark, bordering on suicidal.

I guess that’s just my style, the darkness, before the light breaks. 99 percent of the time, when I do write such things, I’m in a fairly good place.

There is that 1 percent of the time I am in a really bad place, Depression the Demon taking me for a ride on its magical bicycle.

Writing then becomes my tool to prevent Depression from overcoming me.

I will admit freely and to all who will listen, yes, I have thought about suicide.

Especially after my wife’s death.

I kept and keep going because of those people who I love beyond words would be hurt beyond hurt if I did kill myself.

I’ve had good friends who did go down that path.

My best friend did.

I miss them all.

Those who say suicide is painless are wrong, to those left behind, it is not.

Just to let the world know, I plan on living for a very long time.

Anyways, good night and have a better tomorrow!

CHAPTER ONE OF A SEVEN THOUSAND CHAPTER NOVEL

Do you see that madness wandering through the darkness?

Do you see that madness wandering through the darkness, stalking those mean streets, hunting for its next prey?

We were praying for sweet death, to the madness, to leave us, somewhere, in peace, in silence, to be happy once more.

There, in the night, we were wide awake, eyes scanning, looking, trying to find ourselves, among the happy clones, the ‘be happy, can’t be sad’ drones, the world was spinning way too fast, we couldn’t catch up.

Should we weep for the angry crows?

Should we weep for the angry crows, those murdering caws, building up the noose to hang our souls?

Should we weep, for ourselves, sitting there in misery, trying to figure out where to go?

Calmly we began to prepare, sweet perfumes, to mask that smell of death, to those who passed our front door.

Do you want to come inside my mind?

We were standing on the corner, laughing at jokes that made no sense, we cried at happy endings.

We were standing all alone in a room full of people, wondering where to go next.

We could not feel, we could not feel, we were numb from all the promises of life, those good times, dancing freely in the middle of rush hour, plucking out our eyebrows at 3 am.

Do you want to come inside my mind, little happy bee?

Do you want to see those gears that make my mind go whee?

Hello little happy bee, how I want to squash you, kill you, you happy little flea.

Go away you fucking freak, these fleas in my mind, making me think, these dark and horrible thoughts.

Go….away….

Silence in the rain,
The pain ceases with the slice of the razor blade,
Madness sitting here in silence,
Darkness in a brightly lit room,
Tears hidden behind a mask,
I should have told the world,
What was going on,
Now that soul is gone.

Wishes drift away,
Dissolve there in the rain,
To flow down streams of blood,
To disappear into a haze,

Wandering through streets,
Waiting for that death,
That seems not to come,
I write,
A letter to the universe,
Hello?
Depression settles into the mind,
A note left,
To fight,
Or to leave,
That is the question.

Good night…

Dear world,

I get it, I now know I must have killed a shitload of babies in a previous life and it shows, possibly millions.

I regret it now.

I really do.

If I kill myself today would that pay it off?

Or would the shit roll into the next life?

People don’t realize how close I am to saying fuck it and end it all. I wear my funny mask but inside, I’m ready.

So fucking ready.

So very fucking ready.

Your friend,

Walter

P.S. tell Laura I love her. Or maybe it’s lust…..

Reach into that madness,
Where the cancer grows,
Polluting that system,
Pull it out,
Throw it into the raging sun,
He returns to that horrid place,
That madness,
He does not reach out,
His mind a race,
Taken out,
His busted mouth,
He lies there,
Broken,
On the ground,
The sun,
A red orb,
Burning flesh,
Blinding eyes,
Burning that soul,
Oh damn Hallow Earth,
How I curse thee,
From fruited plains,
To purple mountain,
Fuck your streams,
Your bodies,
Your souls,
I spit on you,
I denounce you,
Rage!
Death!
Dying to that will of that sight.

I cut the blade of grass,
As I cut my wrists,
Straight and true,
And to the bone,
I do not die,
I do not live,
I lay there in the shining sun,
An orb of white against the blue,
A beauty star,
A sin to God,
To shine so brightly.

I find myself all alone in the darkness,

I feel myself feeling lonely,

Another friend cast alone,

I feel myself getting lower,

A sea drowning me,

A loneliness I cannot unsee,

I wish I could undo,

The things Ive seen,

And done to you,

I see myself falling down,

I cannot hear the falling rain,

I cannot see the darkness fall,

I cannot love the dying days my friend,

I don’t walk away,

I don’t want to see you cry,

It don’t matter what I say,

Or what I do,

It all remains the same,

A tribute to nothing baby,

Nothing will make it right,

I don’t wanna go,

I don’t want to hurt you anymore.