Posts Tagged ‘depression expressed’

Laid broken,
Among the rusted machines,
Of that madness stated,
In works,
Placed at the feet of those ancient statues.

The world seen through sarcastic eyes,
Dreams unfulfilled,
Jesus Christ,
Dying on those railroad tracks,
Why is the bus late again?

Bar men sleeping,
Broken backs,
Too many naps,
Lapse in judgement,
Oh sorry,
My fellow man,
My soul is dead,
Can’t be bothered,
With your petty needs.

Lifeless,
Degenerate whores,
Lying there,
Feelings gone,
Eyes drawn back,
That wicked smile gone,
Lost,
Childhood innocence gone,
Cheap wine,
Smoky room,
Dollar ninety five,
Old bottle busted,
There,
Next to the broken chair,
The bottle’s edge,
Broken glass,
A razor blade,
Cutting into the flesh,
Bringing forth the rains,
To a dusted plain,
Plane?
Bring forth the summer grapes.

Sad stories,
Reality,
Read on stage,
By defeated clowns,
Goodbye treason,
Hello reason?
I get confused,
Thanks for the hand shake.

Withering life,
Rotting on the vines,
Cast aside,
Shame,
Waves,
Is this the end,
My only friend?

You should see the majesty,
Sunrises over the breaking waves,
Dashed upon the shores of infinity,
Dare to feel the wind,
Upon bended knee,
The body broken,
The spirit still free,
I am dying,
Born to die,
To live,
On some borrowed time,
Nobody,
My friend,
Gets out of here,
Alive.

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Dear world,
Oh blessed,
Cursed,
Beautifully disgusting world,
You gave me everything,
That first breath,
You gave me nothing,
Ripped out that sweet love from my arms,
You gave me that vision of the stars,
High above,
But then showed me that vision,
Hell, to Fall,
From that Heaven’s grace.

That deep pain,
Heartless now,
Bitter
Filled with rage,
I love you world,
I hate you world,
Fuck you world,
I wish for life,
And you give me death,
Oh cursed,
Blessed world,
Good night!


Note to my reader — New podcast, more focused on my humorous side of the coin, should rename it to Bipolar Express but for now, Random Podcast! Click here — RANDOM PODCAST — available on 6 different sites including Spotify, Google and Radiopublic! No poetry YET! But maybe soon!! ~grin~

I didn’t hate myself, like the doctors said, I hated man kind, what the world was turning into, madness without the fucking.

Fuck the system.

I was sitting up, throwing up, red liquid, from the bottom of my stomach, trying to remember where I was.

St. Elwood Hospital, ward b, according to the nurse standing near me, writing down something on a board.

Midnight.

More vitals.

“You tried to kill yourself Mr. Jones…”

Words coming from somewhere, maybe outside reality, where was I again?

Ward B. Second floor.

Words.

Nothing.

Woke up, 3 pm, threw up again, this time from my liver, my pancreas was in there, swimming in the bucket.

Who was I?

Mr. Jones….David….said so on the board in my room.

Was this a dream? A nightmare? Please let it be a nightmare, wake up man wake the fuck up!

There I was, lying on the floor, naked, my wrists were slit, blood, this was a memory, some days before, there, in my brain, screaming out, “You stupid loser!! You’d fucked up a wet dream asshole!!”

I cried.

Lonely.

There the day before, I and my long time love had broken up, well, she had broken up with me, loser, she hissed the word at me, threw the engagement ring I gave her back at me and stormed off.

It was a Tuesday.

Black Tuesday, some year.

Two days later, advanced forward, sitting in the Ward’s sun room watching birds sitting on the window ledge.

Fuckers were mocking me.

This was my life, sitting in a chair, looking out the window, wondering if I could fly.

Maybe someday I would try….

Many moons ago, I wrote a poem called “Johnny’s Dream” (A version can be found here —- https://missiontargetwndrlust.wordpress.com/2019/04/17/johnnys-dream-an-overdose-suicide-release/ ).

The character of Johnny has been in my head for probably more years before I wrote him to paper, or computer screen, the original poem has been lost, I posted it to poetry.com which went under and the notebook it was written in was lost a thousand moves ago.

Some people took the poetry as a cry that I was Johnny, ready to off myself in some locked dingy bathroom but really, when I wrote the poem, I was in a beyond happy place, beginning my life with my soul mate, my wife back in 1998.

She passed away on December 19th, 2012.

A lot of my poetry, as most of you will note, is very dark, bordering on suicidal.

I guess that’s just my style, the darkness, before the light breaks. 99 percent of the time, when I do write such things, I’m in a fairly good place.

There is that 1 percent of the time I am in a really bad place, Depression the Demon taking me for a ride on its magical bicycle.

Writing then becomes my tool to prevent Depression from overcoming me.

I will admit freely and to all who will listen, yes, I have thought about suicide.

Especially after my wife’s death.

I kept and keep going because of those people who I love beyond words would be hurt beyond hurt if I did kill myself.

I’ve had good friends who did go down that path.

My best friend did.

I miss them all.

Those who say suicide is painless are wrong, to those left behind, it is not.

Just to let the world know, I plan on living for a very long time.

Anyways, good night and have a better tomorrow!

CHAPTER ONE OF A SEVEN THOUSAND CHAPTER NOVEL

Do you see that madness wandering through the darkness?

Do you see that madness wandering through the darkness, stalking those mean streets, hunting for its next prey?

We were praying for sweet death, to the madness, to leave us, somewhere, in peace, in silence, to be happy once more.

There, in the night, we were wide awake, eyes scanning, looking, trying to find ourselves, among the happy clones, the ‘be happy, can’t be sad’ drones, the world was spinning way too fast, we couldn’t catch up.

Should we weep for the angry crows?

Should we weep for the angry crows, those murdering caws, building up the noose to hang our souls?

Should we weep, for ourselves, sitting there in misery, trying to figure out where to go?

Calmly we began to prepare, sweet perfumes, to mask that smell of death, to those who passed our front door.

Do you want to come inside my mind?

We were standing on the corner, laughing at jokes that made no sense, we cried at happy endings.

We were standing all alone in a room full of people, wondering where to go next.

We could not feel, we could not feel, we were numb from all the promises of life, those good times, dancing freely in the middle of rush hour, plucking out our eyebrows at 3 am.

Do you want to come inside my mind, little happy bee?

Do you want to see those gears that make my mind go whee?

Hello little happy bee, how I want to squash you, kill you, you happy little flea.

Go away you fucking freak, these fleas in my mind, making me think, these dark and horrible thoughts.

Go….away….

Silence in the rain,
The pain ceases with the slice of the razor blade,
Madness sitting here in silence,
Darkness in a brightly lit room,
Tears hidden behind a mask,
I should have told the world,
What was going on,
Now that soul is gone.

Wishes drift away,
Dissolve there in the rain,
To flow down streams of blood,
To disappear into a haze,

Wandering through streets,
Waiting for that death,
That seems not to come,
I write,
A letter to the universe,
Hello?
Depression settles into the mind,
A note left,
To fight,
Or to leave,
That is the question.

Good night…

In a beautiful nightmare, the winds of time blew in the winter storms, creating an illusion of safety in the embrace of the cold and the snow, the madness began to set in.

December 12th, we were dancing merrily through fields of snow and ice, the wind breaking through our thin coats, it was a dream, I thought, slowly settling into the madness of defeat, death was close at hand.

Misery?

We laughed there, by the fire, drinking whiskey and talking about life on the range, before the corporate assholes came in, and modernized the shit out of the fields and the range.

I wrote a letter to my girlfriend back east.

Dear, whatever how are things?

We weren’t that close, I guess, I laid in my cot, staring up into the ceiling, a painted mess of centuries, draining into the darkness, pulling me up, into that deep sleep where I would dream.

Impossible dreams.

Dreams?

I woke up.

3 AM.

I dare not fall back to sleep, as the demons would take me.

A sad fate.

So here I sit and…broken….whispers in the rain..

Darkness weeping, a sad good bye, hollow eyes, a vision,

Of Deceit.

Hell?

Good night….good bye….

Standing in the middle of a break down,
The swirls of amazing colors,
An illusion to that pain,
Deep inside,
Hidden from the view
Of the public,
Unseen,
Songs of failure,
Unsung.

Inside your head,
Madness there,
A war breaking out,
An infinite confliction,
Tearing you apart,
Madness strain,
Against the reins,
Trapped,
Screaming,
Voiceless to the howling winds.

Alone,
In a middle of a crowd,
Seeking out humanity,
But hiding in the darkness,
Away from the eyes of that humanity,
Good night, my visions, my dreams,
Good night!

Killers in the night,
Silence in the wind,
Blowing through the mind,
A whistling in the heat,
Into this world,
We are thrown,
A poetry of misery,
An ode to misfortune demises,
Sliding,
Slowly,
Slowly into the abyss,
Memories,
Charade,
Demons dressed in gold,
A solid promise
Not kept,
Struggling through that deep good night,
A bother of life,
Stuck in the mud,
Weeping in the rain,
To wash away the tears,
To see,
To hear,
To feel,
What is that noise?
Deep there in the forest,
Ravage,
Animals clawing through the brain,
Ripping those memories,
To shred?
No, they are still there,
With you,
Clawing through your eyes,
A painful trip,
Lies.
Dreams terrorizing,
Figures in the shadows,
Deeply traumatized.

Wisdom,
Lost,
Riders,
Falling from their mounts,
The storm rumbles through the midnight hour,
Capitalized,
Forgotten, time elapses,
Deep darkness enveloping me,
To see?
Hear that?
Wind blowing,
A dog howling,
This,
Is,
THE END!