Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Friday November 23rd, 2018 – Louisville, Kentucky

It is the day after Thanksgiving here in the states, the dreaded  “Black Friday” where people have been known to knife each other over a $12 doll all in the name of a holiday celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.

It seems like time is speeding up in reference to me; I remember being 8 years old; waiting patiently for Christmas to come, Santa coming down the  chimney to give us good boys and girls our gifts.

Now it seems, Christmas is just another day in a long string of days; some happy moments thrown into the mix so I don’t off myself in a blaze of glory; like the song mentions.

I also remember a time in my life while in school, about 8 or 9, when the school district needed an amount of kids in their ‘special’ program.

A therapist would evaluate us, mostly new students from out of state.

“Draw a monster and give him a story to go along with the drawing!” she told me.

I drew a monster; long sharp teeth, scary claws, razor back, and my story was how he saved some city from destruction.

The therapist told my parents I did not know where I was in reference to time and space.

I, to this day, have no idea where I am in reference to time and space, why I have more imaginary friends than “Real” friends.

Imaginary friends have been there for me whenever, my real friends get thrown into jail and are only available on visiting day.

Stupid laws to be broken!!


Louisville, KY — October 11th, 2018

I’ll freely admit, I really suck at writing titles, I mean, I’m just horrible at it.

I feel that some folks on this here Internet thingy are good at writing “Click bait” worthy titles but are also horrible at writing really bad “worthy” titles.

Click bait is when someone places a title such as MAN WHO KILLS HIMSELF GETS 50 YEARS IN JAIL in an attempt to lure someone into “Clicking” the article and instead of getting the gory details, they get like a recipe for a really good chocolate cake.

Or jack poo!

Basically today, you’re getting jack poo!!


Usually on this blog, I share my poetry, but today, I’m just not feeling that “poetry” or really even that “Writable” in the serious sense of the word.

Again, my apologies.

I was inspired to write this blog today by some titles on this very site,


I didn’t click on it because such stories just do not interest me.

Sometimes, as I cruise the YouTube, I’ll find the urge to click on an obvious attempt at “Click Bait”, sex sells as they say in the moving picture show business and man, am I disappointed.

It just some kid playing a video game and talking like a 12 year old kid would know about life.

Unless you were a singer in a 1950s boy band who had to grow up fast before he was 12 years old, you don’t know life.

Hell, I don’t know life, and I’m 47.

I sit here in my living room, with my lap top on my lap, and I write like I know stuff.

I know enough to get out of bed without plowing face first into the wall.

That’s it, and sometimes, I’ll admit, I don’t even get that right.

Face first.

Into the wall!!


So anyways, that’s my blog for today!!!

Good night and have a better tomorrow!!

(I’ll try to do better than!!!)

…I’ll be dead.

Or wishing for it to come quick.

But I bet it’ll be awesome.

Or humanity will be extinct, killed off by the rabid beavers in 2134.

Or uncooked chicken.

Chicken sushi is bad.

Do not eat uncooked chicken.

This was going to be a science fiction story; space battles, lustful scenes with hot alien chicks, like Captain Kirk use to nail on X’Gnana, home world to the hot green chicks.

So here I am, sitting in my sleep pants, on the evening of September 16th, 2018, ice cold water near my side.

I decided to play some Black Sabbath – War Pigs remixed by DJBassedOut – because why not.

Nothing inspires more insightful writings like a remix of an awesome song.

I could throw in some Doors – I AM THE LIZARD KING, I CAN DO ANYTHING – or maybe I won’t.

So here I sit, in a place, can’t really explain it, maybe I should have just written my space battle; damn them bugs!!!


The year was 3098, we, the last bits of humanity, were fighting the Z’Gorns, a species resembling a mix between an ant and a diseased raccoon….

Nah, never mind, just in a really weird humorous mood, which is better than suicidal which means you get such poems as MY TACO FELL TO THE GROUND, A PIZZA IN MY MIND.

So anyways, good night and have a better tomorrow….





August 30th, 2018 – Somewhere in the living room

It’s almost the last day of August, one more day of what we consider the days of summer, as we move into fall, then, with just a blink, it’ll be winter time.

It seems like only yesterday it was the beginning of 2018 and now, we’re past the midpoint, heading fast into the end.

Where the hell does the time go?

Anyways, I know I usually write a poem and post it here but I went to bed way too early for me; 7 pm, I saw my head hit the pillow before my usual time of like 2 am.

This means I was up by 2 am and with the cable company trying to resolve a major issue, means, no TV between 2 am and 6 am.

What does that mean to you?

I feel like writing something here; but no poem right now, maybe later.

Every so often, I get in the mood to just write, random stuff, my long time readers know this as EEK!! HE’S OFF HIS MEDS!!

So here I sit, at 4:42 in the morning, the laptop on my lap and my fingers gliding over the keys (sometimes hitting the backspace a few times as I misspelled THE tge!) in an attempt to amuse myself so I don’t go running outside screaming THE BRITISH ARE COMING!!!! which scares the neighbors enough for them to call the police.

I should write a better title, something like click bait, like DISCOVER HOW TO MAKE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS JUST BY READING THIS BLOG!!! (I just went back up and readded this to the title!!! )

I remember reading a “How to make $$$ fast by blogging” years ago, when I first started and the blogger, some Doctor of Business and Stuff, stated that the title was the most important factor in growing your blog into a huge success.

I am going to admit, I suck at titles and tags and such.

I try to go with content but I fail at that as well.

Damn my inability to make good content.

I just like to write or ramble on about nothing in particular, it keeps me out of the loonie bin.

To be truthful, I’ve been rambling on for most of my life.

Some have told me, I’m a good writer, but I’ve never seen that, my self esteem won’t allow me to be too nice to myself.

But only recently (well, 2008) did I start sharing my writings with the world, AKA placing them on a blog.

I do like to scare the natives though so it has worked out for me as long as I don’t become too popular and people expect me to appear on national TV.

I’d break the world’s TV!

(Psst. Not really!! CBS, call me!! Lets do lunch!!!)


Course, online, nobody knows that you’re really a french bulldog blogging as a cat and seriously, I don’t think anyone really cares.

They just want to be entertained, to read about the lives of people, even if it’s as boring as


On a now defunct blogging site, I tested this theory out by creating THE MOST BORING BLOG IN THE WORLD with such tidbits as the above as well as I WENT POTTY AT 12:45 PM!

I got enough followers to make $37!!

I think I used the money to buy snacks.

Very tasty snacks!

Anyways, I think I’ve rambled enough to make this blog postable!! I hope you enjoyed!! If not, there’s always Yahoo!!



Today, I sat and watched my TV, nothing much on, but I kept an eye on the weather channel due to some storms rolling through the area.

The phone rang.

“Hello?” I said, dead air.

Most of the time at this point, I just hang up.

“Hello?” I repeated and heard two clicks then a male voice responded.

“Hi! How are you today?”

“Awful!” I replied.

“I’m sorry to hear that!” and then proceeded to go into its sales pitch for home security products.

I tried to get it to stop by saying, I’M NOT INTERESTED IN ANY HOME SECURITY SYSTEM, pleading for it to shut up and shut down but it continued and to be truthfully honest, I wanted to see how advanced this robo-telemarketer was.

After a few minutes, it asked, “Are you the home owner?”

“No, ” I replied

“I’m sorry, good day!” and hung up.

We may never get another man on the moon but we have almost gotten to a point in artificial intelligence for telemarketing robocallers.

Back in the day, I worked for a telemarketing company, I ran their dialers and maintained their computers which the service reps would read their script. 48 stations with 2 lines each running to them, all manned by humans, real flesh and blood.

Now, you don’t even need an IT Guy, just some computer in a rack somewhere in the world, dialing numbers, spoofing phone numbers so people can’t even call it back to complain, a world soon ran by machines…

Write some silly words, to that world, where the people dance,
Like silly children,
Staring into the sky,
Looking to be free,
Among those stars,
They stare up into,
Wanting to fly,
To be,

Silence, there, upon the screen,
The words come out,
To be heard,
To be testified,
They are alive,

The colors,
Spread across the canvas,
Into the night sky,
A sun rise,
Human revolution,
Evolution of the mind,
No skin,
Just the words,
To justify,
To hate,
To love,
Reach out,
God forbid,
No way in.

Run away,
Hide your eyes.
Children don’t look,
That senseless death,
By suicide.

Drinking gasoline,
A pilot light,
Sitting by the pool,
The mind released,
Heaven in sight,
There ain’t no Heaven,
There ain’t no Hell,
Except here,
This paradise,
This slum,
This endless hike,
This fucking place,
This beautiful place,
Let us rejoice,
Let us hate,
Let us be,
What shall be,
And nothing more,
Let us be,
What we can be,
Let us be,
Oh Ancient one,
Let us move away from here,
Let us be,
To rejoice,
To hear the angels’ voices,
To hear that beauty,
That song of life,
That song of death,
To hear,
To fear,

There in the moon light I saw her face, like the very first time, a mirage I thought as I sat there, the world closing in, ripping my flesh from my bones.

I cried to her, to come back, to hold me, if only for that moment, that I wished would last forever.

God was a miserable fuck, I thought, to be so cruel.

“It’s a test of your strength!” some friends told me.

I spit in their eye and said, it’s a test of your strength.

They didn’t laugh.

We are born dying; we are conceived for only one thing, to consume, to reproduce, and then, at a predetermined time, to die.

In some cultures, there is a reset, reincarnation for a better term.

We are reborn, to retry and beat our high score in the game of life.

In a previous life, I was told by my friend’s grandmother, I was a barn owl.

She didn’t really tell me that but she did tell me I was an old soul, possibly one of the original souls which meant I sucked at this game of life and really shouldn’t be allowed to play.

But nope, here I am, my 999,999th attempt.

“What’s the score?” I scream into the night air.

“How the fuck should I know!” God screams back.

I should have known.

I would try to go to bed but I’m not sleepy.

So here I sit, the TV turned off, the radio turned on, listening to music and randomly typing on the keyboard; click clack give the dog a bone!

In this life I have learned a few things; mostly don’t pee on the electric fence and don’t eat the yellow snow, it ain’t lemon!

I have learned that love truly does bite; no one should play that game but it can be rewarding, so why not!

When in doubt, reboot.

Nobody should play politics, nobody wins in that game, but if you like peeing on electric fences, you should become a senator.

If a war was held and nobody showed up, would that be peace or just a terribly short war?

Why did Mother Nature create ticks?

Do androids dream of electric sheep?

And did you remember your towel before we began this trip?

Why is this bus heading south, isn’t Seattle west?

I think I may be on the wrong bus, unless Fargo is my last destination, in which case, let us have a hamburger and chips at the next stop.

If not, I better get off and head in the right direction.

Good night my friend, I hope you are well, and not sick.




There are no bears in these woods, they left last spring for Las Vegas.

Trudy, the oldest of four sisters, sat on the front step, looking out at the rolling prairies of the west, towards the bright light streaking across the midnight sky.

The morning would bring nothing; no alien invasion as was predicted on the news or an apocalyptic ending to a worthless novel started by God whose name was Hank but no one was suppose to know that.

Humanity was like rats, over running the planet, over devouring resources and there, in the darkness, Trudy saw the answer.

“The world just needs to go!”

And then, she stood up and disappeared back into the house, for another cup of coffee and maybe a honey and butter biscuit for good measure.

In another place, a man, no name as he’s not a main character in this story, wanders outside to walk his dog and is vaporized by a passing comet flying too low to the ground.

Jesus hated that guy.

Nobody, including his own mom, would miss him.

Bit by bit, worthless coding in the program that was “Life 2.09” was being erased, rewritten, replaced and reloaded.

“Now compiling…”

87 minutes left.


“Reply yes!” screamed a bat in the corner.  “Reformat too!!”

The program continued, a few adjustments here.

Terrorism was replaced with jello shots.

God was in the pudding.

Marriage, a worthless concept, was replaced with interpretative dance and poetry reading at a coffee house in Trenton, New Jersey.

Politics, another overused and shitty concept, was replaced by chocolate milk at a bar in Fargo, North Dakota.

France was erased completely, to be replaced with a huge bingo card made out of cheese.

The world was coming along nicely.

“Replaced donkeys with flying monkeys!!!” the bat screeched.

“What if I replaced bats with sheep?”

The bat quietly grumbled and flew away.

Somewhere, out there, a wolf howled.

“Increase volume +5”

The wolf howled louder.

Soon, the world was perfect in the eye of the creator, and soon the bright light crashed into the ocean, killing off all of the whales as the otters paid extra.

And all was good, until the next rewrite…






How are you?
I think I am insane.
I wanna find myself,
Inside a bubble,
Floating high above the world,
I want to know what it feels like,
So high above the world.
Don’t wanna look down though,
So I don’t fall through,
The looking glass,
And found myself stuck,
In Wonderland,
Without you,
Just that damn rabbit,
And a guy with a kazoo!

Are you friend,
Or are you,

Or are you just a dream?
Like that guy I knew in school,
He was my best friend,
And maybe,
I’d like to dream about you,
I hope you don’t mind.
I’d like to see you,
In your birthday suit.

Do you think you can call me,
And, I’ll know you are the one?
You are the one I want.
You can be my friend,
And we can go high above.

You’re the coolest I’ve ever met,
If I was a cracker,
I’d want you as my cheese.
If you were poison,
I would drink you down with glee,
Like wine,
Except I’m allergic to grapes.

If you were a butterfly,
I’d smash you in a book,
Between the pages of our lives,
Take you everywhere.

Where are you going?
Why are the police at my door…

Dear K-Mart,

I know you’re still alive, out there on that web at and in the real world, brick and mortar places, fewer and fewer each time the Sears monsters throw out a new list of closing stores.

Those monsters closed two of the stores I previously worked at; my first job with you was helping to expand a K into a Big K in New Albany, Indiana back in 1998.

My second job for you was working at the K in Butte, MT as a cashier 2015 to 2016 (a feat the one lady at my next job at Safeway told me was awesome as she thought you were horrible employers. I didn’t. I actually liked you ).

I did get fired from the Butte store for my own stupid mistake but I still cried when I read that my store was shutting its doors.

I wept even more when she shut her doors this April; I still had lots of friends I consider family working there.

2018 was the year the music died for me.

Kmart was my go to place; like that slutty drunken aunty, who isnt your real aunt but you love her more than your real aunt, that bitch Walmart!!

Now, my nearest drunk favorite aunty is nearly 70 miles away one way, in a land known as Indiana (I now live in Louisville, Kentucky)

I know I can log into the website and use my Shop Your Way points to buy some “geniune imitation black leather shoes, $9.95. Buy one get one (BOGO!! I get it now!!!) free!!” but it just isn’t the same as walking into a real-life Kmart, the blue light enticing us to scream in delight.

The store manager chasing us out with a broom. (Yea, the dude at Walmart does the same thing! I think it might be me!)

I know you’re not totally dead yet but it is getting close, like Toys R Us, soon, you’ll be gone, just a memory, something to tell the grandkids about, you and Radio Shack, another of my teen years spent.

Your former stores will be (are) filled with a Peddlers Market or an Adult Erotic Super Warehouse but they still have that Kmart feeling, the service desk still waiting to help you, their garden shops still full of fruits and vegetables, if you go to the peddlers markets.

I won’t say what it is filled with at the Super Warehouse.

Don’t try and guess.

Trust me.

I remember when you made your way into Butte.

Early 90s.

Possibly sooner though my memory is getting foggier as I age too.

You busted through the unions, a major feat in Butte, the first I believe.

This bust through paved the way for Walmart later on, your killer in some way.

You did kill off my Woolworth though, which angered me, but I forgave you.

The blue light was hypnotic.

I miss you K.

Please don’t die Real Time, online just ain’t the same, pushing a cart through your living room naked just isn’t the same as doing it at the K!!

Your loyal Nephew,


Hello dear reader,

How are you?

Me, apparently cannot sleep, I’ve been tossing and turning and finally, at 3 am, I decided to stumble into my new, furnitureless living room from my new furnitureless bedroom and write my brain into a tired frenzy so it’ll let me fall fast to sleep.

Sometimes, okay, a lot, my brain decides it wants to think, random crap I can’t change, but bam, why not!

The other night, it decided to throw a girl I had a secret crush on back in elementary school as a “walk on” role in a dream.

It also decide, hey, why not throw a couple of friends in there along with my kid who isn’t even a dirty thought.

Great dream but then I wake up and go, WHAT DA HELL BRAIN?

“I don’t know, it seem right!!” It replies, shrugging as only a brain can only shrug with its lack of shoulders.

If it had eyes, it would have rolled them and said, “Thought you’d like it!!” It sighs, again if it had eyes, it would wink, and grin evily if it had a mouth.

My brain does that weird crap at 2 am, conversates with me, keeping me from sleep, it has done it for a long time, random stuff, things I have no control over, people I miss, people I haven’t thought about in 30 years, but there they are, asking how I am.

“Not too good!” I reply.

So here I sit now, legs crossed, my fingers tapping at my phone’s keyboard, writing poems randomly, letting my brain do its muttering, words flying on screen, hopefully I will fall asleep, 3:30 am, hopefully soon.

I write.

Damn brain, why won’t you calm down?

“Provide the link! To our poetry!”


So there, my brain, the link, are you happy now??


Good night my readers, sleep well…..zzzzzzzz