Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Hello dear reader,

How are you?

Me, apparently cannot sleep, I’ve been tossing and turning and finally, at 3 am, I decided to stumble into my new, furnitureless living room from my new furnitureless bedroom and write my brain into a tired frenzy so it’ll let me fall fast to sleep.

Sometimes, okay, a lot, my brain decides it wants to think, random crap I can’t change, but bam, why not!

The other night, it decided to throw a girl I had a secret crush on back in elementary school as a “walk on” role in a dream.

It also decide, hey, why not throw a couple of friends in there along with my kid who isn’t even a dirty thought.

Great dream but then I wake up and go, WHAT DA HELL BRAIN?

“I don’t know, it seem right!!” It replies, shrugging as only a brain can only shrug with its lack of shoulders.

If it had eyes, it would have rolled them and said, “Thought you’d like it!!” It sighs, again if it had eyes, it would wink, and grin evily if it had a mouth.

My brain does that weird crap at 2 am, conversates with me, keeping me from sleep, it has done it for a long time, random stuff, things I have no control over, people I miss, people I haven’t thought about in 30 years, but there they are, asking how I am.

“Not too good!” I reply.

So here I sit now, legs crossed, my fingers tapping at my phone’s keyboard, writing poems randomly, letting my brain do its muttering, words flying on screen, hopefully I will fall asleep, 3:30 am, hopefully soon.

I write.

Damn brain, why won’t you calm down?

“Provide the link! To our poetry!”

CLICK HERE TO READ MY RANDOM POETRY – NEWLY MINTED! 3 AM!!

So there, my brain, the link, are you happy now??

“Quite!”

Good night my readers, sleep well…..zzzzzzzz

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Another night, the brain is on overdrive, not really a bad thing; another poem to share with you, my dearest reader.

I call these exercises random writings; self taught madness, visits to that part of my brain that sometimes goes unvisited for years at a time but when I do, I come out with the impression that I’m insane; the doctors were right.

“Bed rest and overmedication is recommended for this patient.”

I was once diagnosed as “Not knowing where he is in reference to time and space” by a school psychologist, who would later be caught giving another “unnamed” male a blow job in a bus station downtown USA!

A great way to end a career I guess.

I digress.

I really don’t know where I am in reference to time and space; whatever the hell that means.

Isn’t it 1972 and I’m in the Land of Flying Monkeys and singing jack asses aka Washington DC?

Thought so stupid misdiagnosis of my insanity!!!

CLICK HERE TO READ A LATE NIGHT RAMBLING – A RANDOM POEM

 No, I won’t try to explain what it means.

It’s possible it means absolutely nothing, or as Sister Mary once said about my poem I submitted in as part of my homework;

Pure crap!! If I could, I would give a lower grade!  Pure randomness which leads to the masturbatory fantasy of a sexual deviant! If you do not change your ways, you will find yourself in Hell at this rate! F!!!!!!!!!

The F was written in huge swooping sweeps of her skeletal hand; all could see, I was going to be trouble; I was a Catholic school flunkee.

Actually, I never made it past the front door of that school, Sister Mary stood at the door way that first day blocking my way.

“I know the Devil’s spawn; YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!”

So with glee, I went to public school where I passed with a C+ in most of my classes except in current events; I flunked that.

So good night my dear readers and have a better tomorrow

 

02/25/2018 – Someplace on the Planet Earth

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Dear sirs and madams,

Hi!

How are you?

I keep waking up breathing, which according to the doctors, is a good thing.

“Yay for waking up breathing!” cheers the nurses who stand by to stick me in the arm, to draw my blood, that life force that keeps me breathing, I guess.

I’m not a doctor though.

I’m barely a human being; just the skin and such, to make me able to walk among the hairless apes unseen by their unintelligent eyes.

If they saw my true form, they would still go about their daily business.

CLICK HERE FOR MY NEWEST POEM – INFORMED INSANITY – A POEM TO READ IN A CLOSET WHILE THE DEVIL STEALS YOUR BUILDING BLOCKS

So, after my ordeal of being pricked and prodded, I lay here, half naked, a flimsy robe covering my nakedness, the nurse coming in on the hour to see if I need a sleeping pill.

Oh no you don’t mind sucking demon from the Planet X’Neon!!! I’m on to you.

I’ll stay up and write, to tell the outside world about you, to tell them how you steal minds, put them in jars, to sell to the Martians or trade Iranians for free porn on Craigslist.

I’m on to you!!!

EAT LASERS ALIEN SCUM!!!

My fingers are registered deadly weapons in 17 universes and 23 alternate universes, including this one.

You just don’t know you’re dead!!

Ha ha!! FOOLS!!!!

Do you know, that, when a cat shows you their belly, you should scratch it?

This tells the Universe, I’M DONE, I’m so gone, I don’t care if the cat kills me!!

And the cat will respond by purring or stealing your wallet and go on a spending spree!!

Stupid cat.

I only have  a $1.95!!

Anyways think it’s time to fall asleep, to meet her there in dreamland.

She knows who she is!!!

Your friend,

ME!

 

 

A Recap of this week’s news so far: Or not!

chocolate_cake_mobile

02/06/2018 – Somewhere deep below the Earth’s surface!!

Or my bathroom!!!

Hello, hi, how are you?

I am doing fine!!!

Not really but what the hell, this is my blog and I’ll lie if I want to!!!

Hope your day is as wonderful as your night and your garden comes up with nothing but tasty treats!!!

Nothing is going on in the world.

Don’t believe me?

Go look!!!

SEE!!! Not a thing!!!!

Anyways, till something happens here’s a recipe I found in a tin of Royal Dansk cookies!!!

CHOCOLATE CAKE WITH CRUMBLED COOKIES

A delicious, cold chocolate cake your guests can’t resist!! NUMS!!!!!

For 4 servings you will need —

7 oz good chocolate
6 oz unsalted butter
3.5 oz Royal Dansk Butter Cookies, coarsely crumbled
2.5 oz hazelnuts, coarsely chopped
2 oz macadamia nuts, coarsely chopped
1.7 oz French nougat, coarsely chopped
1 tbl spoon maple syrup
Pinch of salt

Chop up the chocolate into uniform pieces. Place in a double boiler along with the butter.

Stir the mixture frequently with a rubber spatula.

Once melted, fold the chocolate butter into the crumbled Butter Cookies,chopped nuts, nougat and the syrup.

Add a pinch of salt.

Pour the mixture into a mini loaf pan lined with parchment paper.

Refrigerate for a minimum of 6 hours.

Cut with a bread knife before serving and enjoy.

Would also be great with Chocolate Chip Cookies!

Now ain’t that better than the news?

Good night and have a better tomorrow!!!

(Visit the Royal Dansk official recipe page here! )

FAMILY FUN AND OTHER STUFF

~ CHAPTER ONE ~

FAMILY FEUDS OR HOW THE WORLD ENDS

Every family has one or two or half a dozen or more, those family feuds that can last centuries – Uncle A cannot stand Aunt B and such.

Seemingly, the holidays are the perfect time for these feuds to begin.

Take for example in my family; in 1958, or sometime in those hazy times, when the clouds form inside the brain fogging out the reason for the feud but giving it still a hint to know there is a feud, Great Aunt 1 took a piece of cake and began eating it.

“This cake is kinda dry.” she whispered to Great Aunt 2 who, unbeknownst to Great Aunt 1, had made such cake.

Great Aunt 2 huffed and puffed and  threw her hands in the air.

“How rude!!” And stormed out of the house to never speak a word to Great Aunt 1 for close to 50 years.

A feud soon started over chocolate cake.

I guess wars have started over less.

My aunt, my pop’s sister, will not speak to my uncle, her brother and hasn’t since basically time began.

I was born in 1971 and they weren’t on speaking terms since before then.

It always puzzled me and I asked both sides what was going on.

My uncle would tell me, “I have no idea! I’ve tried to mend the relationship many times! I love my sis!”

My aunt would reply, “He knows!” and then would hang up the phone angrily.

My pop would smile slyly and reply, “I think it’s over her bike that she thinks he chopped down into a chopper. I did that!”

Years have gone by, Presidencies have changed hands more than I can count, and still, my aunt will not speak to her brother, my uncle.

I got a reason this summer, as I stayed a few nights in a motel room in Butte, Montana.

I had bought a bottle of Black Velvet and was drinking it with diet coke(I have to watch my shape and yes, round is a shape) and soon found myself dialing my aunt.

“Hello?” she answered.

“Jello!”

We both laughed.

Why?

I have no idea.

After some small chit chat about cousins, friends and other stuff, I approached the topic easily, with just a touch of harshness to make it seem like a grill session at the police station.

“Why do you hate your brother?” I half yelled drunkly into the phone.

“I don’t hate him, I hate his wife!” the truth came out, though, my aunty S, had figured that out many years before.

Apparently, on a Christmas Day, back before the dinosaurs or 1958, the family had gathered at my grandparent’s place, a place that does not exist any more, even the town it was in is now gone, swallowed up by The Berkeley Pit.

After a feast, the family moved to the living room, for conversation and homemade beer.

Something happened that day, a fight of words broke down between my Aunty S and my grandfather; hiss growl, you, no you!!!

And soon the great rift between the family would begin; though no one remembers what started the fight, I believe it was over chocolate cake!

dude-wait-what-stoned-kitty-pedro-8122726Today seems like a good day to write about something positive, to skip over such icky subjects like homeless people, Political crap and other misfits trying to rule the world, natural disasters at a seemingly increasing level but we all know that climate change is a myth, and other crap hitting the media door right now.

So today, my friends, I decided to write about happy butterflies but apparently Google thinks happy butterflies equals stoned kitties and why not.

I wish I was stoned right now.

It would help in my writing, like:

FOLLOWERS, TO THE READY, LET US DEFEND OUR DEFENSELESS POSITIONS ON THINGS, WE ARE YOUR NIGHTMARE DRESSED IN PRETTY DREAMS, TO ARMS! TO ARMS!!

I don’t really feel like writing poetry or a serious posts, though, those do get hits from my general followers and Google searchers alike.

Hi Google searchers, how are you?

Fine?

Awesome!! Me too!!!

“Really?”

Yes I am!! I overdosed my diet Coke with many shots of energy stuff at the soda fountain and am feeling awesome.

“Awesome!”

Course, I made the mistake of turning over to the news and well, my buzz is still going, thank you very much!!!

So anyways, glad you’re still breathing and I am too!!!

Good night and have a better tomorrow, your friend,

ME!

In Hell we build, to death we give in dishonor.

Universal Date:10,500,000 DC(During Crisis)
Location: Earth Reflection – After Mission 2.7 – Earth is filled with slutty dolphins

Captain D’Xalare – Mission Commander Reporting –

The Earth was dead, the only thing left, humanity, the parasite, still suckling on its mother’s tits angrily,  still draining its life as she laid dead on the blackness of the universe.

Humanity, an evil race, killing each other in the name of love and peace, over such silly details as the color of their skin or their worship of an imaginary deity, some even worshiped the same God but their words were translated differently.

Worthless reasons to kill each other, the Vogons only kill over the huckleberry found on this otherwise worthless planet.

We, the True Race, found this planet on a routine mission to study its true ruling specie, the pigeon when we discovered this lovely treat, its jam being a elixir of sexual delight.

The inferior of our species, the Moron, tried to mate with the berry directly staining their antenna blue.

Stupid Morons.

We, the Galaxon, ate of the berry and was amazed, delighted, then aroused and mated right on the spot with what the “Earthlings” call a “Dolphin”.

A very wonderful trip I had to say and noted it so in my diary of said mission.

Recommendation to Counsel: I truly recommend that this planet be stripped of the wonderful berries and the dolphins be saved.

The rhinoceros and elephants of this world are a nasty breed and have been known to charge and kill other species who intend to mate with them in a peace keeping mission such as ours.

The humans of this world will enjoy the process for awhile then becomes angered in a short order.

We recommend further that the world be destroyed as it has been declared “Hostile” and therefore ready to be demolished to be replaced by an on ramp to Worm Hole 789!