Archive for the ‘depression’ Category

Once I fell down,
I tried to get back up,
And fell down even further,
Into that pit,
Where is the world?
Is it still spinning?

Reach.

Where is the love?
Where is the hate?
Do you see the sunrise,
While in that pit?

Rampage against that horror,
Even in defeat,
Pounding your fists into the ground,
Waiting for relief.

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Memories: A POEM

Posted: May 25, 2021 in depression, fiction, poems, POETRY
Tags: , ,

There in the pale moonlight,
She laid spread out before me,
In some broken memory
Oh dear love,
I hear the dying,
That moan,
Into madness,
Driving me to that fall,
A mercy killing,
I pray to the Gods,
Please,
Kill me,
Oh Mercy,
Please,
But all they do,
Is laugh,
Tears,
Washed away in the rain,
Memories
How I curse you.

Do not dare,
To hide the fear,
Behind masks,
Do not dare,
To run in fear,
Oh to feel,
A morning alive,
To feel that love,
To wish,
To hear,
That voice,
Oh that terrifying silence,
Broken inside,
Do you hear the mocking bird?

Dare you sleep?
Perchance,
Not to wake,
Oh blissful morning dew,
On that timber…

I felt great this day,
Then the evening came,
OH dastardly fuck,
With its awful news,
There in the Heaven Gate,
Demons played hop scotch,
Oh those dastardly fucks.

Once,
Twice,
A few thousand times,
I tried to become comfortably numb,
It didn’t work,
Wore off in a mere hour,
Pages upon pages
Of pleas to the Fates above,
Playing with the dear Loom,
A pluck there,
To show me,
Who was really in charge here!

Take the misery,
Fly away,
Take the pills,
Oh dear god,
Where am I tonight?

Lies,
Mish mashed into sighs,
There are no lies tonight,
Fly away,
Oh sentry,
Into the deep dark night,
Mindless ramblings,
3 AM,
Half pass nine,
The girls in the back room,
Taking lines,
Seeing fine,
Is this the coming of the glory?

1983,
Was it that long ago?
I was living,
Out on the beach,
Sigh,
Whispering pines,
The sun arose,
To the sins of those fallen,
Was this how it was suppose to end?

The nightmare awoke,
To a thunderous applause,
The end was near,
We sensed it,
We could feel it,
Rambling on,
We fought ahead,
A gun in each hand,
Imaginary enemies,
At the door,
Screaming to be let in.

We saw their eyes,
Felt their hot breathe,
Was this the end?
Free.
The smell of alcohol,
Poured into a dirty glass,
America,
It was dying, 1993,
Could we be that dumb?

We wandered down the beach,
Holding each others hands,
The light was dying,
As we were lost in a romance,
A wilderness of pain,
All our life,
We were sinners,
Beginning to feel the end,
Waiting for that rain,
The Goddess died,
2003,
The world span,
We danced,
Cried,
Felt it all,
Laugh,
Oh Children of the King,
The Lord has come,
To see the feats of modern man,
Ride the highway,
The west is the rest,
Best?

The desert wind blew, a simple tune, aware, we could not see our flesh, pulling into that nightmare, is this peace our end?

Johnny laid in wait,
Rest eternally,
Gone from the madness of this world,
We sat,
We dare not cry,
For the tears would burn our skin,
Was this end of that world?
Our youth flying away,
To be embraced,
By the aged?

Good night,
Good night,
Till we meet again,
I shall say good night…

Someone else,
Sitting there,
Screaming,
Pounding fist,
Anger,
Can you hear the dying of the light?

Somewhere else,
Ending,
Flying into near blind darkness,
The end is near,
Oh beautiful soul,
Do dare not leave,
Before the song is end,
The chorus sings,
Of jubilant sound,
Oh blessed sound,
Into that near endless oblivion.

We stepped forward,
1st step,
Right foot,
Left foot,
Repeat,
Welcome to Hell,
Junior league,
Take our medicines,
This was our life,
TV till 2 pm,
Lunch was served outside,
Apple,
Tuna fish sandwich,
No forks,
No knives,
We could hurt ourselves,
They let us have a cigarette,
Blowing smoke rings,
Outside reality,
They drift,
Escaping that madness,
At night,
The screams,
Dear God,
Shut up,
The night terrors,
You’re the one screaming,
Take your medicine,
Sleep,
Perchance to dream,
Can’t breathe,
Mother,
Can you hear me?
Father,
Am I becoming dead inside?

Morning,
Sun streaming in,
Curtains pulled back,
Doris is here,
She’s my sister,
She worries,
My life,
My tears,
She worries,
Hugs me,
Wonders if I’m eating enough,
Tuna fish sandwich,
An apple,
No fork,
No knife,
We could hurt ourselves,
Take my meds,
Half pass three,
Next to my knees,
Bees inside,
Burrowing into my mind’s eye,
Reality is dying,
What is reality?
Is this reality?
I could not tell.

Nine o Five,
More meds,
Wake up! Wake up!
Where was I?
Sanity?
Was I insane?
Was the world?
I coughed.
Blood in my mouth.
Nurse,
Nurse,
Is this right?

Ten Twenty Two,
PM,
I die,
I think,
Maybe just a stop in time,
The rain is falling outside,
Draining off the windows,
Hits the ground,
Bam!
Slam!
Beating on my chest,
Live, you cocksucker, you better live,
Nurse is screaming,
Bam!
Slam!
Shit, fuck, am I alive?

Am I,
Am I anything?

Good night!

THE END OF A PARANOID RABBIT

Posted: April 17, 2021 in depression, fiction
Tags:
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

There in the field, a washed in a dying sun, drifting below the horizon, stood the rabbit.

“I’m dying sir…” the rabbit told an imaginary visitor standing near.

There was no reply, an answer on his life, so vividly dull, hopping here, hopping there, jump, up, reproduce, then die.

We, the people, stood somewhere, possibly in our own homes.

We didn’t really stand, sat was more like it.

“Random garbage, the lot o you!” the rabbit screamed at the unseen visitors, now teeming in the billions, gathered about, stacked to the unseen sky.

It was the winter of the coldest year, a December, when Rabbit thought he died, his tail frozen hard to the ground.

“Was this death? Did I pass?” he couldn’t move, the tail buried in the sheet of ice.

What a predicament!

Hop! Hop! No hop would give.

Here is where he would die, or had he passed already?

Nobody knew, nobody cared, there he laid, for months, years, back and forth, not looking down, or forward, not even in, just dead, and barely breathing.

There, in blinding light, I watched the world end, not with a bang but a silent whisper into the howling wind of an approaching storm.

My heart died as well that day, as my love, laid there, no signs of brain function, and I was asked should the plug be undone.

There is no great break than when you let your love go, to that place, you cannot follow at the time, though how you wanted to, but Jesus had other plans for you, you heathen!

No, you don’t get to see what the plan is, the movie has to keep going, the road keeps going on, even as you pilot yourself in a car with no steering wheel, no brakes, a hundred miles an hour, screaming as the storm begings to take ahold of you.

So, here it is, ten years later, you are still the Devil, that let your love slip from that grasp, you know deep inside, she was already gone, but the hate is still there, hate against yourself.

The times keep going on, story never ends, even when the world dies at your feet.

This story never ends…

Somewhere,
Out there,
We see,
What they see,
Far away from the Promised land.

I would try,
To scream,
But nobody is listening,
It 3 AM,
The lights are on,
But nobody is home.

Songs to masturbate to,
While you think about Death,
Ballet slippers,
On the bathroom floor,
Who knew what the dancer knew?

Welcome to the back seat,
Of a horror moving picture show,
High on life
And cocaine,
Misery ain’t a thang.

Smile empty soul,
Welcome to your life,
You’re beautiful,
You ugly whore!!!

Somebody call the police.

I am a victim,
Of a victimless crime,

I started to drink; 5:45, I shouldn’t drink but nobody here, all by myself, worst and best time to drink, Bar fly is findable online but I’m listening to Angerfist Hoax, it makes sense, all our heroes are fake, the truth did not set us free, we didn’t find Jesus and when we did, his representatives, molested us, made us feel ashamed, like we were the ones who did wrong and not the other way around.

It’s the same with politicians.

They lie, cheat, steal, etc. etc. and they make us feel like we are whores leading them down the road to Satan.

Fuck the world, I want to get off, find myself, lose myself, give up, let go, what place are we in?

I try to call my therapist.

Her messages are full.

Society never disappoints, I knew from day one society was full of shit.

We, the people, voted for this shit, congregated into our own thoughts, we are cowards, thinking They are doing what is right, they aren’t.

They take bribes to keep themselves rich.

Are we not mad?

No, we hide in our basements now, fearing some sickness, as the politicians keep breathing.

Mother can you hear me?

I want to die, and never come back.

Good night….