A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE LAST 8 YEARS: Thanks for the reminder WordPress!
Apparently, 8 years ago today, I registered for a WordPress account.
I don’t really remember registering that long ago; feels like it was just yesterday.
April 16th, 2011 – I don’t remember much about it, to be truthfully honest.
A lot of things happened in that 8 years; big changes, for both me and how I see, feel and.or interact in this world.
The biggest was my wifey; my soul mate, passed away on December 19th, 2012.
That was the moment I discovered there was a God and he was a pissed off old man who really loved to fuck with his children.
When my wife died, it turned me from a depressed poet to an extremely depressed alcoholic poet.
Other things happened; loves drifted into my life, then drifted back out, I wasn’t their cup of tea, or they weren’t mine; one came into my life, and she’s still here, I think for my wit, I know it’s not for my face.
I moved back home to Butte, Montana after my wife passed away(I had met her online back in 1996 and moved to Indiana in 1998) after spending 15 years in Southern Indiana, across the Ohio River from Louisville, Kentucky.
In 2015 my mom decided she had enough of this world and passed away.
Then in 2016, my dad, a year and a week after my mom, he too said pfft on this earthly realm and passed away.
The state, because my dad was on Medicaid to support his habit of living in a nursing home for a few years as the V.A. felt he could walk fine with just one leg (lost to diabetes) and didn’t pay, took my folks’ house away after they passed away.
Truthfully honest, they got the short end of the stick as my dad’s bills had amounted up to about $170,000 from 3 years in the nursing home and other health issues.
The state got about $27,000 from the sale of the house, after back taxes, and such.
After losing the parent’s house (my second time in my life losing a house—the first being me and the wifey’s in foreclosure in 2012! 2012 was a very bad year!!) I ended up homeless in 2017.
A few months with friends.
Living for about a month and half under a tree.
A couple of days in a motel room in Butte, Montana spread through out those spring and summer months, drinking Black Velvet, writing a few pieces, documented here on WordPress if you wander down my 8 years of work here.
I moved back to Louisville, Kentucky where I still am, doing better, my lover helping me regroup, rethink.
We’ve been together for over two years as lovers; friends, meeting at a riverboat casino as team members, for over twenty years.
She almost gets me.
Then I change the rules.
She hates it when I change the rules.
God thought I was too happy; getting back on my feet, so he took my best friend in 2018, about two weeks before Christmas.
One of those; he was my brother from another mother and father, over 20 years of friendship.
HOW AND WHY I WRITE: Kids don’t try this at home!
People wonder why most of my poems are mostly about depression; death; dying; etc. etc. etc.
Strangely, as I’ve tried to explain to these people; most of the time, I am beyond happy when I write these pieces.
I guess there’s a person who I’ve named Dylan who sits in my brain; that depressed poet, with a bottle of whiskey, who decides he needs to write or he’ll truly go mad and do something stupid.
It’s the only way I can explain it.
I wrote a piece tonight that is basically a man preparing to kill himself; I wrote the piece, perfectly happy, perfectly sober.
I was watching the movie Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck.
I sat on the couch, the laptop on my lap, the movie playing, and the words came to me.
They definitely are not happy words; if someone who didn’t know me, or didn’t read this piece, read them, without the context of Dylan being an imaginary drunken suicidal poet inside my head, they would call the police and ask for a wellness check on me.
I also write silly pieces; those wits and wisdoms that will be found when I die, people will read them, thinking it’ll explain me, but will fail in that attempt, as mostly those are red herrings; unfruitful clues to the real me.
Truthfully honest, I wear many masks, even while writing. I can be joking; which I mostly do, and be crying the entire time.
I guess from what I’ve discovered, a lot of the funniest people in the world; the greatest comedians, were also the most depressed.
We only discovered this from their untimely deaths.
Depression is a killer; it has come to me and put its arms around my shoulders a few times; the closest I’ve ever come to trying suicide is right after my wife passed away in 2012.
I stood at the kitchen sink in the apartment where me and my wife had lived; the place where she had died.
It was about 2 weeks after she had passed away; the fog of the events still held her grasp on me, I stood there, washing some dishes, and held a steak knife in my hand, I push my hands into the warm water and held the knife to my wrist.
One easy stroke was all it would take, my brain told me.
But then, thoughts of my sister-in-law coming into that apartment, finding my body, days after losing her only sister, it made me stop.
I couldn’t hurt her or my many friends.
I backed away from the edge.
I cannot say that the thought hasn’t crossed my mind ever again.
It has.
But I keep living; for my friends, my family (blood and acquired through friendships — apparently, I have many sisters! None by blood. One brother by blood but a few by the kinship of the spirit!) and for myself.
I’m a delight!
Many more adventures to write about; more poems to share with you, my dear reader.
So anyways, there’s the how and why I write.
I hope you enjoyed the peek inside my madness.
If you want to read some of my other poems I have on another site, I could use the views over there as well!! HINT! HINT! NUDGE! NUDGE! (earn those pennies baby!!) CLICK ON —–> MY OTHER POETRY SITE <—-
My newest poem, an actual happy poem, is called THE PARADE OF HUMANITY!!
My newest poem, the one I wrote tonight, will be posted over there tomorrow sometime, time for beddy bye!!!
WANDERING WHERE I AM GOING! 
Your writing is sad yet beautiful…I had no idea how amazing you really are.
Thank you very much!