Posted: April 29, 2013 in POLITICS, Random stuff--read at your own risk!
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Today, I sat here, in my room, pondering the meaning of life, wondering what I could do to make the world a better place to live, to change it on some small level, I decided to start a new project, a letter-a-day campaign, updates from me, to politicians.

I started today, this Monday, April 29th, by writing to the President of the United States.

I’ve written to him before and actually have gotten replies from him in letters sent to my home, mostly cease and desist letters delivered by Secret Service, but still, replies are replies.

Today’s letter to the President —-

Monday, April 29th, 2013

Subject: HI! HOW ARE YOU?

Dear Mr. President,

How are you? I am fine. I decided that I would start a new project, Write-a-Politician with updates about my life, my hopes, my dreams, and maybe a funny story about my cat Betsy Wetsum.

I heard your comment about not having drinks with Mitch McConnell, but, I think you should have drinks with him. I would like to be there too. I bet Mitch is an awesome drunk, probably gets up on stage and sings, I WILL SURVIVE after only one Shirley Temple and a few tabs of acid.

I know I do.

I wish you and the Congress would get together for a weekly TV show, Drinking with the White House. You could have guests on, like, radio and TV personalities, maybe Howard Stern could come on and give us recipes for cake or something.

Fox News sure doesn’t like you very much. They could come on the show too and have ice cream with you and you guys could become friends.

I think the President needs friends. I sure wouldn’t want the job, everyone hates you no matter what you do.

“Here’s a tax break!” you say and the opposition goes, “OH YEAH, SPEND THAT MONEY!!”

Try to raise taxes and they’re like, “OH NO YOU DON’T!! NOT ONE MORE DIME!!”

My cat thinks you’re all nuts and I’m starting to agree.

It’s bad to regulate guns more but it’s okay to strip our constitutional rights of due process.

Politics is so confusing. I’m glad I decided to stay away from it after working for a campaign in 1996, it was awful, peeking behind the curtain, seeing that the Emperor has no clothes not a pee-pee, how do you guys go potty without a pee-pee?

I’ve never figured out that one yet.

Anyways, enough of the politics, I don’t want these letters turning into I THINK WE SHOULD INVADE NORTH DAKOTA AND TEACH THEM A LESSON but more like JASON HAS HAD A GOOD DAY AND WANTS TO SHARE IT!!!

So seriously, how are you doing? You look better than you did in the first term. I bet you don’t really care that much now, which you shouldn’t, go out there and give them heck.

Take Mitch out for a drink!! Maybe take him out to a house of prostitution(you know, get him laid!!!)

Run naked through the rose garden yelling, THE BRITISH ARE COMING!! Wait, don’t do that last one, I think Bill Clinton tried that and almost got impeached.

George W. Bush did and well, his approval rating went up, so maybe….

Anyways, I should wrap this up, good night and have a better tomorrow, your friend,

I didn’t sign it but when sending such letters to these politicians, you need to put your full information(Well, the President just requires you put your name and zip code — some senators want your full address, so I guess they can send you nude photos of themselves!!!

It felt good to write, something meaningful and full of love, I then decided to be fair, I should write to a Republican a nice letter, a pat on the butt, and a kiss on the nose, so I decided to write Senator Mitch McConnell (R – Kentucky), who happens to be right across the great Ohio River from me so maybe, we’ll meet up for drinks and I’ll have a better blog to write!

Monday April 29th, 2013

Subject: HI! HOW ARE YOU?

Dear Senator McConnell,

I wanted to start this out as Dear Mitch, but feel that would be too informal and a bad way to start.

I think this is the first time I have written you but I hope it is not the last.

I wrote the President a nice letter, a start of a new project I am calling, UPDATES FROM ME, things like how my cat is doing, how I am doing, and maybe some recipes for cake, everyone likes to get cake recipes.

I heard the joke the President made about having drinks with you. I think the President should have drinks with you and I told him so.

I was like, “I bet Mitch is a fun person to be around, especially when he has had a few drinks in him, probably jumps up on stage at the bar and sings, I WILL SURVIVE!!!”

I’d have drinks with you!! The President too.

I’d have drinks with you guys together, on the same night at the same bar!

All three of us could get up on stage and sing, I WILL SURVIVE together, or better yet, IT’S RAINING MEN.

Anyways, how are you doing? I see you on WHAS 11 here, sometimes I watch WAVE 3 and you’re there too. Sorry about the whole bugging issues you’ve ran into, remember, never ever talk about things you don’t want disclose to the public with anyone, no matter where you are!!

Nothing is secure!!!

Anyways, if I had a favorite senator, it might be you, but only because you remind me of my Aunt Rita, especially when you smile.

If you see Senator Max Baucus, kick him in the nuts and say, THAT’S FOR 1996 YOU TURD and use my name. He’ll remember me from the pain in his nuts!!!

Thanks for reading, your friend,



Have you ever noticed that the best pics of Louisville come from this side of the river in Indiana?

Come on over, we’ll do shots at The Boat!!!

I may break away from the borders of my country and write love letters to other countries’ politicians, though I’m not sure yet.  I’ll see how I feel in the morning.

  1. ihartmikehart says:

    I interned in a congressional office and letters like this make everyone’s day. Thank you.

  2. he sings I will Survive after just one drink? Whats with all these disco tunes.. Do these guys have silver balls?

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