WANDERING WHERE I AM GOING — Steps of Life: Random posting

Posted: March 22, 2013 in Random stuff--read at your own risk!
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Me1Wandering aimlessly down the road of life, towards the horizon, eyes down, gazing the ground, searching for an answer, that may never come.

I keep moving, in hopes that I will not stumble, will not fall, if I do, I fear I shall not get up, will lie there in the soft grass, holding it close to me, as if it was a beautiful lover, never wanting to lose it, the grass turning into sharp shards of broken glass, cutting into my flesh, ripping it apart, wanting it to end, the pain, the horror of it all.

Somewhere, a voice cries out, “Come to me, sweet lover, come to me, and hold me and never let me go!”

I keep moving, towards the voice, in hopes someday to find her once again, alive, not dead, as she is now, to hold her once more in my arms, to kiss her sweet lips once more, to gaze into her eyes, to be lost in them forever, not caring anyways.

I keep wandering, one foot in front of the other,  in hopes to embrace her, to love her, two bodies becoming one, sweet love till the end of forever and even beyond that.

The body is weak, wanting to settle down in the muck and to stop, the pain of grief too deep, the wound unsealing, continuing to bleed, seeping into the ground.

I keep moving forward, ever forward, eyes toward the prize, the sun in the day, the stars at night, moving ever forward, eyes back down, watching my feet, step one, over left, move forward and repeat over till I cannot breathe and die too.

“This does not end, you know!” the voice says, a different voice. God?  I have no idea.  It could be he.  I would reply, but it seems whomever it is can read my thoughts.

“Do not think I am done with you yet!”

I did not think that, it would be too easy for that.

Forward, onward, into the muck of life, toils and troubles, whatever doesn’t kill us, only makes us wish we were dead.

I stop for a moment, briefly, settling down to sit upon some rocks in the middle of a field. I am sad, depressed, for lack of better words, just three months have passed since my wife’s death, a short time but seems like forever, I want her back so much I can taste it, hear it, feel it in every being of my soul.

My heart weeps for its lost, my mind wanders in search of her, my entire body screams out, “Where is she? How could you lose her like that!”

She is not lost, spirit wise, still with me, holding me, trying to comfort me, telling me everything will be alright, that I need to keep moving forward as I’ve been doing, live life like today is the last day of my life, grab it, live it, strangle it.

I feel tired but I cannot sleep still. Bits of sleep thrown in for good measure, to keep myself alive.  I’m living life though not like I should, it comes and goes sometimes, tears here, moments of a memory and then break down again, stand back up and keep moving forward.

Life needs to come with directions. Shampoo comes with direction.

  • Stand up, face north, pretend you give a shit
  • Take hands, lift over head, say something inspirational to each person passing
  • When arrested for public drunkenness,  plead insanity, repeat.

If life had directions though, the side effects would have to be included.  “Do not fall in love unless you’re ready for the pain of lost.  Do not go outside as you may find it isn’t all rosy and peachy like shown on TV.  If you feel a slight choking sensation, you might be dying, consult a priest to confess your sins!”

Do not stare directly into the sun as you may go blind.

Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Life ain’t fair, but death cheats you.

Stand up, face your life, glare at it, watch it flow by underneath the bridge.  Follow it to the end.  Stop once in awhile to smell the roses, to take a deep breath in, taste the food you consume, do not just eat, enjoy.

Enjoy life, love life, love those around you, embrace them, treasure them, tell them that you love them every day as you never know when that chance to do so will be gone. And even after their body is gone, tell their spirit that you love them every day, for they are still around.

I am happy, sad, alone, friends galore, traveler, homebody, nobody, listener, teller, finder, seeker, hider, leaper, magic man, induced labor, aborted dreams, follower, leader, upper, downer, inside, outside, all around the mulberry bush, poet, screamer, writer, quiet soul, quitter, starter, everywhere the wind blows, I may roam, do not, do, whatever, can never, and in the end, when all is said and done, I am me…


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