I am a homeless bum

Posted: July 16, 2017 in Uncategorized

I have officially been without a roof for a week.

I work, I bust my butt for $8.80 an hour, a union job.

They take out $84 a month in dues.

Figure it out.

I love my town but I’m shivering.

You have probably come through my line.

I was happy.

By the way, I was faking.

Maybe in a week, I’ll,have a house, a bed, a pillow even.

Last night I had enough for a hotel room, a shower,it made enough to make me feel like a human.

Tonight, I sleep outside, a bum, but you’ll come through my line!

You’ll think I make a million how I make you feel.

I wear a mask, I do it well.

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I am just a common man, working a common job, almost enough to afford a common pad!

I wouldn’t ever run for a political office as I can’t smile that fake nor are my teeth that white.

I do know there is a homeless situation here in the fine city of Butte, Montana, my home town.

There has been for a while.

With or without a shelter, people, mostly good people, families even, down on their luck, are out there, living on the street.

You just have to wander Uptown Butte any time of the day, and look, really look, and you will see the issue before your eyes.

Even ride the bus, as a commoner, and see the issue.

Do I have the answer or the solution to this problem?

No, I do not.

With or without a homeless shelter, the problem still exists as we close our eyes to the main problem.

“Not in my neighborhood!” I’ve had lots of people say to me.

The problem is, they are already there.

I am one!

Good people, people who work, but who don’t make enough to afford housing,

They smile as they bag your groceries.

They laugh as they give your hamburgers.

They nod as you state your views about how “These bums should get a job!” or stop living off the systems.

A lot of them can’t live off the system, they are making too much at $8.80 an hour.

The waiting list is too long!

They smile but deep down, they are crying.

Yes, the system is broken.

Yes, there are the bums.

The drifters.

The fakes, the men and women who panhandle aggressively, who put their 50 bucks an hour through Coinstar, but honestly that is a very small percentage of the masses out there, living on the streets.

We must all remember we are only one step away from being one of the homeless masses.

One of the bums, who gets hot coffee thrown in his face.

Yes, it happens, I’ve seen it.

I know, I am on of the homeless masses, the dirty ones.

I am lucky.

I have friends who are there, who give me a bed.

And a shower, a place to shave, so I don’t look like one of the homeless.

I do know there are good people out there, providing meals on a limited budget.

I have helped them, shh, don’t tell my manager, I gave them ten cents off some rotten peaches!

We must remember what would Jesus do!

I am not a religious man but I have giving my last dime to a desperate man with three children, to buy milk.

I will be leaving my hometown of Butte, the place I call home, with tears in my eyes, as a proud man.

I love you Butte but…..

 

Heaven be her name – The Story of Destiny

I keep thinking I’m making headway in this thing called life but then the waves come crashing down.

I come up for a breath, feeling the blessed air coming into my lungs, but there, again, the monster waves hit me, hard, pushing me to the bottom, scraping my body against the coral reef, where am I?

Nowhere, going fast, up one minute, kick to the face, down, counting, 1, 2, 3, do I wanna get up again or stay down for the count?

The bets are coming in, I’m staying down, but nope, my dumb ass gets back up.

Why?

I’m a winner!

I laugh at that, my inner demon does, I’m no winner, I’m a big fat loser!

I’m trying to stay alive, well enough, I think, until I look in the mirror, standing there, bloody, broken, ready to give in.

“I love you!” she, the one in my corner, even though I’m insane.

I keep going because and for her.

“What’s her name?”

Destiny.

Heaven be her name….

How I love thee, in a previous life even,
I whisper thy name during those times,
I think I can not go on,
There you are,
A shimmering light against the encroaching darkness…

The dragons invade my sleep, the crazy, hello insanity, you try to keep me sane, I am slipping into madness…..hello dear friend, how are you this fine and wonderful evening?

I am dead inside.

Opening old and new wounds!

What is reality?

A dream placed into real life?

Is that the definition?

Dear one, I shall keep walking till the end, tomorrow shall never come!

Cheap beer and steel guitars,
Whiskey and lonely hearts,
Broke down in San Antonio,
Drinking time in old down towns,
Looking for a good time,
Finding nothing but a broken heart,
Cheap perfume
And lonely eyes,
Living the honky time life,
Bar flies and worn out trucks,
Drinking time,
Anytime,
Pull up a stool and shoot the breeze,
Closing time is far away,
Don’t mind ole Montana,
He down on his luck,
Found a woman,
She did a buck,
Run away with a rodeo clown,
Broke his heart,
And now he sits at the bar,
Trying to find a replacement heart,
Drinks his lonely heart beer run,
Texas born,
Down on his luck,
He hears the jukebox play,
Ole Same is on his way,
Lonely hearts
And cheap motels,
Only wine can heal it fine,

Beer makes it televised!!

…a battered soul, a spirit lost to the midnight hour, the world spinning out of control, set to destroy. Warning to those who dare think to enter this land, only death shall follow…

lights-1254324_960_720.jpgA misery inside, a passionate fire put out before a fiery rage, a scream into the moonlight, close my eyes, do not let me die here, in this broken place, wake me up from this nightmare.

I stood at the edge, my eyes gazing into the starry skies, the Gods stood by, waiting to see what fate decided, suicide of a worthless soul, his spirit to disappear from everything.

The endless nights, the beast prowled, the silence of the dead dying on sheets in crypts made of marble.

“Craw….” the words echoed from my dying throat. I could not see, just hear the voices in the winds, her scent drifted into what was left of my brain.

The Goddess, the madness, she was there, not as a vision, a dream, but flesh and blood, a person.

I wanted to call out her name, but my voice was gone, ripped out and stolen by the crow, Master and Mistress, to the wind, to the time, it was nothing but a fantasy, strangely ripped from the pages of time.

The city had been built, a perfect place, filled with perfect people, but destroyed by imperfect solutions.

Towering buildings, golden, rusting in the sands, bridges destroyed, crumbling into the mighty seas.

The Guardians, the beasts, trying to guard this horror, kept watch, killing those few who made it through the defenses and the gates, the world was not ready for the truth.

It had to be spared the horror.

 

Mired in misery, the waters, the lands, the air became poison, killing all.

They who dared to enter the arena, the dead world, were killed, the memories of them erased…

 

We run away into the night,
Our pain, our memories,
Our suicides…

I did not know where to go, down the streets of memories and pain or into future loves.

Future loves could lead to the greatest, the best, or the horrible.

I had both, a great time of “I will love you forever!” and then it explode without a reason besides “I’m, confused!”

Confusion can equal many things such as “I met someone else, he better than you!” to “I just hate you!!”

Memories are triggers for hate.

No, I can’t figure it out yet.

“I didn’t mean I loved you, I meant, well forget what I meant….”

I’m confused too!!

I have to get you out of my mind, you are no longer available, a vision, a dream, not even.

So here I sit, alone, feeling insignificant inside my brain, like a burning candle, dwindling forever, leaving flowers at the grave, leaving sounds and sights inside my brain, memories poisoning my life.

I feel your presence, I wonder if you feel the same, do you hear my name?

I bet you don’t, I probably meant nothing to you, just a joke, not even a ghost in the machine.

Here I sit, in my world, how can I see into your soul anymore, like I did those days? You were my everything, you told me I was your days and nights, till that day, then I became nothing, a thing to throw away.

I cannot even say anything negative as my friend says you are the best.

You aren’t.

You took what little heart I had and stomped on it.

I cannot even say your name without throwing up.

I cannot say anything negative about you as my mind will not allow it, even it is against me, tells me you are a good person.

I sit here wondering what I did wrong.

 

July 12th, 2021 –

Dearest love, my sweet,

When I dream of you, I dare not wake.

I wish to hold thee in my arms, in plain sight!

I do not care who see us.

May they know us as lovers, though in your eyes and wake I do not know if you still feel that way.

You are my life, you are my soul, you are my everything.

I know we cannot be together, our souls and body held apart by walls of mostly our design.

I wish you were here, as I would make love to you, as a man should to his woman.

I am here without you, you are a thought in my lonely mind, as I work in a dead end job, I think of you, you are my muse, you my soul, you are my heart, I want to take you to a beach, the sand holding our bodies, embraced in a kiss, how I love thee.

I am here, late at night, your face is my vision, your body my lust. I wish you were here, with me, right now, instead of me with my lonely mind.

I know tonight, as I sleep, I will dream of you, we will kiss, we will laugh.

What can I do?

What can I say?

I do not know, I tell people about you, how I love thee, they do not understand the meaning of romance that I have for you, how I want to feel you from the inside, I know, an animal feeling but one I must know.

I also know I have hurt you as I have let other women into my life, lovers, dates, to take you away from me, how I wish you understood, that I know I cannot be with you, but I wish I was.

I wish I was there to hold you, to comfort you, as a lover should, during your times of need.

I know you have others, friends, acquaintances, how I wish I was the only one.

Your friend and dream lover,

Jack